I was DB'ing but just discovered an affair

[In_Shock]

In some ways this sounds like my SO's behavior. She told me this person she was texting for hours at night was just a friend. I snooped last night and lo and behold I am hit with
"ILY" and all manner of horrible things to imagine your partner of 13 years saying to another person. I am beyond crushed, devastated....I have an appointment tonight with a DB counselor. I hope there is hope. I cannot go through this. I just cannot stand it.

[NTX_Dad]

Wow, I wish I could come off of moderation. So many things are happening with my sitch on a daily basis, I can't remember what I posted and when. The 2-3 day delay makes it hard to have a conversation on here.

[MrBond]

I agree. Lay that boundary down. She has no right to lay a hand on you. She will respect it in the end.

[ncl]

It's one thing for her to get her frustrations out in a healthy way; it's another thing completely that she punched you in the process. I suggest you establish some boundaries with her. That's just unacceptable behavior and does more harm than good. Just my 2 cents worth....

I hope otherwise things are going as good as can be expected. Take care, lc4

I agree. I've had some time to reflect and analyze this some. She's had fits of rage and other odd behavior off and on all summer. She's even yelling at the dogs more.

I think there's something clinically wrong with her. I pointed it out last week and she thanked me and said she'd call our doctor, but she hasn't done that yet.

She has some pent up anger about our past and says she can't trust that my changes are real. I figured the hitting and the yelling last week was getting the poison out. Our daughter was in bed and the punches didn't hurt, so I didn't see the harm letting her do it.

She's apologized a dozen times since.

But yeah, something is wrong and I don't know what to do.

Even if it didn't hurt and your daughter didn't witness it, you need to let her know that isn't acceptable again. She has apologized, and you've forgiven her, so move on from it and don't bring it up. But if it happens again, I'd remove myself from the situation and let her throw a fit on her own. She'll tire of that quickly.

[NTX_Dad]

In some ways this sounds like my SO's behavior. She told me this person she was texting for hours at night was just a friend. I snooped last night and lo and behold I am hit with
"ILY" and all manner of horrible things to imagine your partner of 13 years saying to another person. I am beyond crushed, devastated....I have an appointment tonight with a DB counselor. I hope there is hope. I cannot go through this. I just cannot stand it.

Hang in there brother. I know exactly how you feel. I was able to read some texts about 10 days ago and they hurt. I've been numb about it for some reason... I haven't even shed a tear about it since. I think in a way, I feel that I validated it and realized I haven't been crazy all of this time.

Let us know how the DB session goes.

[NTX_Dad]

Even if it didn't hurt and your daughter didn't witness it, you need to let her know that isn't acceptable again. She has apologized, and you've forgiven her, so move on from it and don't bring it up. But if it happens again, I'd remove myself from the situation and let her throw a fit on her own. She'll tire of that quickly.

Thanks lc4, you are right, I do need to set the boundary.

She got angry again last night, but there was no punching. Her attorney is asking for spousal support in the temporary orders even though she claims she doesn't want them. She won't call him and remove it though, instead she says she will write me a check and give it back. Yeah right!!

We were discussing that and I finally asked what I did to deserve all of this, and she started painting me as an ugly dark villain and threw in all sorts of random stuff, half of which wasn't even true. She then left to take a load of stuff to her new apartment and didn't come back home. I saw on her Facebook that she slept on a sleeping bag on the floor of the apartment. She even commented that she's hit rock bottom.

But then oddly enough, she walked in this morning in a good, sweet mood and talked about trivial stuff while I dressed. I swear it's Jeckle and Hyde.

She is moving out today, so tonight will be difficult when I get home to a partially empty house and nobody home.

[ncl]

Awe... I'm sorry. Sounds like a tough couple of nights for you. Maybe with the physical space of separation, your wife can cool down a bit. With regard to her sleeping arrangement last night, hey...she made her bed (or rather sleeping bag); now she has to lie in it. Wonder why she felt the need to post that on FB?

How's your daughter holding up? Of course, my number one concern in my separation was and is my kids. I've been surprised by how well they are doing. I was told many times that kids are resilient, and it's true. Just keep up the positive reinforcement of your love (and her mother's love) for her. Take your clues from her on how to respond. Whatever you do (and I know you know this, but it's worth repeating), NEVER say a bad word against her mother. In fact, I wouldn't bring her up at all (asking how she's doing, etc.).

With regard to your wife, when she starts the yelling/accusations/etc., just walk away. Set the boundary for verbal abuse the same as you would for physical abuse. Once she realizes she's just yelling, punching, whatever for an audience of one (herself), she'll tire quickly of it. Just calmly let her know that when she's calmed down and can communicate in an adult manner, you'll be happy to speak to her. I think a lot of WAS act this way because they want us to react in like manner; then they can have a reason for wanting to be away from us. Give her no reasons. Just keep being a great dad and a great man.

Keep posting to vent here. The earliest days of separation are the absolute hardest. You will make it through, I promise (if I can, anyone can). We are here to support you. I know I've recommended it to some others on the boards, but in case I haven't to you yet...the book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" has been a great source of comfort to me and has helped me embrace the pain as well as work through it on my path to healing.

There are many others on the boards who can offer you better advice than I can, but I would think this is a good time to go as dark as you possibly can. I would limit your conversations to only your daughter and anything else that is absolutely necessary. Don't bring up the affair, don't bring up the divorce, don't bring up the relationship, don't ask her how she's doing, nothing. Let her miss you and get a taste of what the life she has chosen is going to be like. Again, just my 2 cents.

[NTX_Dad]

...... I would think this is a good time to go as dark as you possibly can. I would limit your conversations to only your daughter and anything else that is absolutely necessary. Don't bring up the affair, don't bring up the divorce, don't bring up the relationship, don't ask her how she's doing, nothing. Let her miss you and get a taste of what the life she has chosen is going to be like. Again, just my 2 cents.

You are absolutely right and that is my plan. Thanks for validating it. Zero contact it is.

I came home and inspected the house, she only took we we agreed to, so I was relieved. I then left to have dinner with a coworker. When I got back, I was only awake and alone for about an hour, and for some odd reason, I enjoyed it. I moved my stuff back into the master bath, put a few dog things away (she took the dog), and straightened up the kitchen a little. I am a neat freak and she was the exact opposite.

Anyway, today I got beat in court. I have to pay her spousal support that I don't even have until the divorce is final. I have lost faith in the Texas judicial system.

The 60 day cool off ends Oct 8th, so I will now be doing everything in my power to make it final that day so that I will have only had to pay her one spousal payment.

On a positive note, I was allowed the change the locks on the house so I just got that done! LOL

[NTX_Dad]

I don't remember if I posted any updates or not since I am on moderation still... my posts don't show up for several days.

I had a good weekend and kept busy with my daughter. I noticed on Facebook that my stbx partied like a rock star. She went to a concert on Friday and Saturday night, and then out for dinner and drinks with a couple of gals from her team.

In an odd twist, she purchased three tickets for an event this weekend and told us it was for us all to go as a family.

I've been trying to be dark this week and minimize contact.

[ncl]

I wish you would be taken off moderation, too! It sounds like quite a bit has happened since you last posted. So...how is your daughter doing? How have your wife's outbursts been? I hope things have settled down for all of you now that you are physically separated. Non-stop drama isn't good for anyone, least of all your daughter.

Sorry about your disappointing hearing in court. It sounds like you are moving right along with the D process though. She wrote that your wife invited you to join her and your daughter at an event. What do you think that's about? Are you going to the event? Do you want to go? It could be a good time for all of you. If you are interested in going, just decide what your boundaries are beforehand and be sure to enforce them. She doesn't have to know what they are; if she starts to cross a line you aren't comfortable with, then you can enforce. Also, remember to have no expectations of what this could mean. If you do go, just try to enjoy yourself and have a good time with your daughter. If your wife has a good time with ya'll, then that's even better. But her happiness doesn't affect yours.

The going dark (or dim) is good. It helps you detach, and that is what you need right now. In going dark, though, you need to stop looking at her FB page! Don't even let you yourself think about what she may or may not be doing. Just focus on the good time YOU are having.

I didn't realize you were a fellow Texan. What part of the great state are you in? I hope you aren't in any danger with the fires burning across the state. We have several close to our community, and the smoke has been a real issue. So sad how much has been lost. I hope ya'll are safe in your area.

Take care, and keep us updated! lc4