Not too much to add since my last post. After having declared my need of "space" from my W, she has done very well in respecting it. I recently e-mailed her the filled-out Findings in Fact for our upcoming separation, so I imagine that I'll be seeing a signed copy in the mail sometime soon. I have not heard from her in a week, which is probably the longest I have gone without hearing her in any form...ever. Kind of strange that I picked up on that just now.
In terms of my DB-ing goals, right now is laying off thinking about my W. Instead of just "being" and allowing myself the space to grieve for what's happened, I feel that I've tried to distract myself with research in order to bypass that inevitable pain. While all of the research that I've done in infidelity has been immensely helpful, I now feel like I'm going over the same books and websites. It's no longer helping to gain insight -- now it's serving the purpose of keeping my W entrenched in my mind. I want to cut that out by doing other things instead. GAL, my friends, GAL!
Last night was a great example: I went out with a bunch of people at work to a restaurant to say goodbye to our mortgage officer (to recap, I work as a teller at a credit union). As fun as it was, I felt very down and uncomfortable at times throughout the meal. I was situated pretty far away from the people who I currently work with, so making small talk with people I didn't know seemed difficult. In addition, a couple of other people got into a big conversation about the perils of divorce. My old boss, who I was forced to divulge some of the details of my sitch so I could keep my job instead of quitting to move with my W, asked how I was doing. I told her about the upcoming S and said that I didn't really know what would happen yet. She is going through a divorce herself. Damn it, Michele's right! Divorce is way too present these days!
Anyway, just a quick update. I figure I'll go for a good night-time walk. I love walking at night.
Oh, I love night walks too... I wish I could do that more often.. but with my H being the walk away spouse... I'm sort of stuck in the house with the kids.
Right now, I'm just trying to let myself feel things and take care of myself. No momentous changes yet. I feel like when this first happened, I jumped right into relentlessly researching about infidelity and walk-away spouses. The only thing that I could possibly think was, "There's a huge chance that she won't last with this guy. That might mean that we're not done yet!" It got to the point where it was almost the only final result I could see in the situation.
Now, I'm really reconciling with the fact that it really could go either way in the end. I'm getting okay with it. I'm also allowing myself to enter the "anger" stage. I spent so much time convincing myself that my W was under the "fog," that she was really very guilty deep down inside and that she was hurting. Not to say that I don't believe any of that's true. After all, her reaction at first was extremely guilt-ridden and she blamed herself, not me. However, I'm really allowing myself to get mad at her for CHOOSING to do this to us. I kept making it out like she got the rug sucked out from under her and she didn't know any better. No, she had a choice to do something else, and she didn't. And now we're here. I can still be compassionate while feeling my anger toward her, I've learned. In the case of an A, you have to learn how to do both.
Writing is going well. Lots of journaling for sure. I'm getting back into the swing of fiction. My problem is that I'm WAY too perfectionistic about it. I always expect a masterpiece when I write, which freezes me. My first big goal there is to learn how to make a mess and have fun doing it.
I'm working on getting out, but my usual avenues involve spending money, which I'm having less of these days. I'm going to try joining a club or something. Something that's free but still involves being around other people.
You've come a long way in a short amount of time west.
Quote:
Now, I'm really reconciling with the fact that it really could go either way in the end. I'm getting okay with it. I'm also allowing myself to enter the "anger" stage. I spent so much time convincing myself that my W was under the "fog," that she was really very guilty deep down inside and that she was hurting. Not to say that I don't believe any of that's true. After all, her reaction at first was extremely guilt-ridden and she blamed herself, not me. However, I'm really allowing myself to get mad at her for CHOOSING to do this to us. I kept making it out like she got the rug sucked out from under her and she didn't know any better. No, she had a choice to do something else, and she didn't. And now we're here. I can still be compassionate while feeling my anger toward her, I've learned. In the case of an A, you have to learn how to do both.
This is heavy stuff man. Good stuff.
The emotions you feel. You feel.
Being able to feel and not react. Is good stuff. A lesson I have had to learn.
Keep up the work and keep moving forward.
Peace man.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I checked my phone last night and saw that my W had tried to call me. I didn't get it because my phone had been on silent. I texted her back and asked her what was going on. She replied that she was checking in on the separation paperwork; she has mailed it and wanted to know when the new court hearing is. I responded that I was still working on it but was shooting for September 9th. She then replied, "Got to go. OM is ranting about how I shouldn't be texting you because it's 1 AM in the morniing here. :P" I don't know about you guys, but it feels strange that she even had to throw in that last part. Nothing I said needed a response. She could have simply said, "OK," and left it at that. Why even bring up OM and his ranting? Not going to read into it too much, but it is interesting -- just as interesting as the fact that she keeps calling me when a simple text message would suffice.
Today, I realized that one of my huge goals for this period of time is to put an end to my horrible habit of mental rumination. I always the kind of kid who had his head in the clouds, but it wasn't until about 7-8 months after I met my W that it began to be a big problem. I would have inappropriate thoughts that would bother me, so I would analyze them for meaning as to why they bothered me so much. Eventually, it got to the point where I analyzed not just bothersome thoughts but just about everything under the sun. Out of all of the things that upset my W the most in our marriage, this habit was probably it. It has been an addiction of its own kind. My W constantly asked why I couldn't just stop. I guess I was too addicted to the sense of temporary relief that it brought, even though it made me feel worse in the long run.
This last two months, my analyzing has obviously been devoted to my W, her A, and the possibility of our upcoming D. Today, I realized that I was sick to death of ruminating because now I couldn't stop thinking about my W and what she had done. I also realized that, if there was ever anything that I was going to change during this time no matter which direction my life took, this was going to be it. Before, I had constantly framed it as "You need to stop!" Today, I thought of it differently: "Let's try an experiment. Let's see what happens if I stop analyzing for a month. If my life goes to complete hell, then I'll know that I need to analyze things. If not...well, we'll just see what happens then, won't we?" Something about the "experiment" mentality made it easier to stomach.
This may not be as momentous as kicking a drug habit or addiction to alcohol, but it's been something that has defined who I am for years, and now I'm ready to stop doing it. I think that I'll be a much happier person after I make doing the right thing a continual habit.
Today, I realized that one of my huge goals for this period of time is to put an end to my horrible habit of mental rumination.
Just because it annoyed your W doesn't mean it was bad.
Where it becomes problematic is when you let it become an imbalance in your life.
The ability to really think through something from a lot of angles is not a bad thing. And if you enjoy it, that isn't bad either. Again -- balance is key.
Quote:
Out of all of the things that upset my W the most in our marriage, this habit was probably it. It has been an addiction of its own kind.
I know that feeling - I was diagnosed as OCD for 24 hours this past winter. The therapist I got referred to dismissed that and said I'm just super anxious. Any truth in that for you?
Does the ruminating somehow make the anxiety seem a little less?
Quote:
My W constantly asked why I couldn't just stop. I guess I was too addicted to the sense of temporary relief that it brought, even though it made me feel worse in the long run.
Why did it make you feel worse?
Quote:
This last two months, my analyzing has obviously been devoted to my W, her A, and the possibility of our upcoming D. Today, I realized that I was sick to death of ruminating because now I couldn't stop thinking about my W and what she had done. I also realized that, if there was ever anything that I was going to change during this time no matter which direction my life took, this was going to be it.
It sounds like you have some recurrent thought patterns and that you let it get out of control sometimes.
It sounds like you are also recognizing that perhaps these thoughts are a waste of your precious time and energy at this point.
We are the originators of thought, but somehow it can feel like thoughts control us sometimes.
There is a great article by Alex Lickerman (his blog is happinessinthisworld) about rumination and meta thinking. Might be worth pondering..
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Let's try an experiment. Let's see what happens if I stop analyzing for a month. If my life goes to complete hell, then I'll know that I need to analyze things. If not...well, we'll just see what happens then, won't we?
Clock starts now....
30.4 days and counting...
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Well, Chaos, at this point, I am able to recognize it as a big imbalance. I mean, I always knew that it was, but at this point, my W's not even around to get upset, so I know that this is something I want to do for me, whether or not she comes back. I know what you mean about thinking being a good thing sometimes, but for me, ruminating indicates elements of fear and anxiety, so that's the part of my life that I want to get under control.
I've always been a pretty anxious person, yes. However, my W told her therapist about my symptoms, and the therapist remarked that it was "textbook" OCD. Hard to say exactly what it is I have. I prefer to view it on a shifting spectrum: ruminating about disturbing thoughts or images is OCD, whereas ruminating about negativity in general is just ruminating. Either way, both are bad for the brain.
Ruminating "appears" to make the anxiety less because I imagine that I'm getting great insights from it, but in the long run, I just generally feel more anxious and my thinking gets more muddled. It feels to me like a drug addict taking some of the drug in order to "take the edge off" -- the feelings of withdrawal later on only get more pronounced. I've been cutting back on ruminating for a couple of days now and already I feel clearer, as well as less anxious in general.
I just read that article by Lickerman. Very, very true stuff. He made a point of noticing that meta-thinking blocks one from experience. It seemed to me that I wasted a lot of time in my R with my W worrying about nonsense when I could have been spending that time just being with her and working on other parts of my life.
Why did it make you feel worse?