I checked my phone last night and saw that my W had tried to call me. I didn't get it because my phone had been on silent. I texted her back and asked her what was going on. She replied that she was checking in on the separation paperwork; she has mailed it and wanted to know when the new court hearing is. I responded that I was still working on it but was shooting for September 9th. She then replied, "Got to go. OM is ranting about how I shouldn't be texting you because it's 1 AM in the morniing here. :P" I don't know about you guys, but it feels strange that she even had to throw in that last part. Nothing I said needed a response. She could have simply said, "OK," and left it at that. Why even bring up OM and his ranting? Not going to read into it too much, but it is interesting -- just as interesting as the fact that she keeps calling me when a simple text message would suffice.
Today, I realized that one of my huge goals for this period of time is to put an end to my horrible habit of mental rumination. I always the kind of kid who had his head in the clouds, but it wasn't until about 7-8 months after I met my W that it began to be a big problem. I would have inappropriate thoughts that would bother me, so I would analyze them for meaning as to why they bothered me so much. Eventually, it got to the point where I analyzed not just bothersome thoughts but just about everything under the sun. Out of all of the things that upset my W the most in our marriage, this habit was probably it. It has been an addiction of its own kind. My W constantly asked why I couldn't just stop. I guess I was too addicted to the sense of temporary relief that it brought, even though it made me feel worse in the long run.
This last two months, my analyzing has obviously been devoted to my W, her A, and the possibility of our upcoming D. Today, I realized that I was sick to death of ruminating because now I couldn't stop thinking about my W and what she had done. I also realized that, if there was ever anything that I was going to change during this time no matter which direction my life took, this was going to be it. Before, I had constantly framed it as "You need to stop!" Today, I thought of it differently: "Let's try an experiment. Let's see what happens if I stop analyzing for a month. If my life goes to complete hell, then I'll know that I need to analyze things. If not...well, we'll just see what happens then, won't we?" Something about the "experiment" mentality made it easier to stomach.
This may not be as momentous as kicking a drug habit or addiction to alcohol, but it's been something that has defined who I am for years, and now I'm ready to stop doing it. I think that I'll be a much happier person after I make doing the right thing a continual habit.
