My H filed for D, Dec 16, '10. This was 15 months after we were separated. I was served on Jan, 25, '11. My H had it in his head that we would use one L and it would be quick and painless.
I looked over the papers and I'm not a L, but many red flags popped up all over the place. He wanted to give me what he was currently giving me for child support. He did not want to give me any Spousal Main. He was going to 'give me' the house. He thought that was generous of him. Along with giving me the house I would then be responsible for the mortgage, taxes, ins., utilities, etc. I would also receive half his pension and retirement and he, mine.
The house was built in the 1850's and needs a lot of work. Yes, it is my dream house, but there is no way that I can afford to fix it up by myself.
I made an appt. with a L that was highly recommended. I went in there and he took one look at those papers and he said, No, no, no. He then proceeded to tell me what H would have to pay. I found out he hadn't been paying me the proper amount of C/S. I did feel a bit better because between my salary and C/S I've been living paycheck to paycheck and praying that nothing major happens.
When H found out I retained an Atty. he was flaming mad. He sent a nasty email asking why I hadn't told him I was getting a L. I told him that yes, I should have. I said I know what it's like to be blindsided and it's not much fun. It escalated from there.
We sent two nasty emails back and forth to each other. I told H I'd deal on anything but the money end. I told him that I had to live too. The money he had to pay me is finite. It won't be forever and with the kind of money he makes, he can make up for what he has to pay me. In a few years C/S is done. A few years after that Spousal Main. is done. As per my L, I'd buy him out of his half of the house.
The nasty email exchange was in Feb. There has been no movement from H to push the D along. From the way I understand it, if H doesn't push it, it doesn't go anywhere. I'm not sure of the time limit but I believe if there is no movement and it's going to be dropped, they will ask me if I want to pursue it. Anyway, I expect something more at any time, as I can't imagine ow is too happy with him not moving on it.
H and I don't have a lot of contact, but what we do have has gone back to being civil. I do not contact him unless it's kid or financial related.
So Life, strap in and prepare for a bumpy ride when your H gets served. Hopefully it won't be too bad. If he had been financially responsible to his children you wouldn't have been forced into having to file. You would have had a choice.
Life, it's only the end when you say it is. Many people have been standers even after the D has been completed. We even have a board here titled, Divorced But Not Done. Some do wake up. Read MHL thread. Can't be sure if his XW is waking up or not, but at the very least she seems to be taking a prolonged peek out of the tunnel. In the end it is the LBS who decides when they're truly done.
I've read so many sitches where the MLCer finally wakes up and goes looking for the LBS only to discover they have moved on. Then the MLCer gets a taste of what it was like to be left behind.
Thank you SA. I really do feel hopeless now too. A miracle if he woke up. He is in so deep. I thought he may be peeking out of tunnel a little after our convo last week but he lied about seeing the kids and I realized I can't trust him at all. At least with the papers I can feel a little more financially secure. Hopefully, wont have to have contact with him and asking for money anymore. Just automatic. I need to get far away from his actions. He is going to be very angry when he gets the details of the D I think. But, we shall see. I would think my H's OW would be wondering why he's not filing either. I suppose I will make her day when he receives the papers! Oh well..
I think you know me well enough to know that I don't care what other people think about us here in MLC.
TBH, I was in denial about what it was for a long time. No matter how much I read, I didn't want to believe that I was dealing with this.
So do I think it is something we make up to keep holding on?
No.
I believe it is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I believe it is something that I have had to endure to get to the place I am in now in my life.
For me, it was a necessary part of my journey.
If someone had told me that the person I loved would become someone completly opposite I would never have believed it was possible until I lived it.
Now...I believe that anything can happen. And I believe in miracles as well...
There are always Skittles at the end of the rainbow Seeking.
Sometimes, we just have to follow that arch a little further to find them...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
As difficult as things are at times, I still keep thinking that, in the long run, you always end up thinking "Thank God for unanswered prayers" I look at old boyfriends that I once thought were wonderful, and how they ended up. I see friends that have been married for 30+ years, but do nothing together. As my minister said a few sermons back,"God puts you on earth for a reason, and being married to a particular person isn't it"
So, in the lonliest of times, I try to remember that my purpose in life isn't to be anyone person's wife. That's just a side note to our lives, and sometimes it's not a happy one.
If XH knocked on the door today and wanted desperately to come back, would I let him? In all honesty, yes. But would it work? Very doubtful. If the changes have not been made, the devils faced down, and the pain acknowledged by us both, I believe it would be just another winning interlude to a losing battle.
Do I believe in Miracles? Of course. Anything is possible, but perhaps there are more important miracles to be had in our life than the salvage of our marriages. We come out of this stronger and wiser, perhaps a little gun-shy. I am not always successful in keeping my feelings in line with this, but I try my best.
Do I believe in Miracles? Of course. Anything is possible, but perhaps there are more important miracles to be had in our life than the salvage of our marriages.
Ton o' Pun!
Love it my friend.
Just cruising through...
Hey SA!
I absolutely love you ladies!
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
How things change in ten years. I will never forget...
I am sitting here reflecting while watching the observances of the 10 year anniversary of 9/11. Ten years ago, things were so different...
I had just gotten to school and was working in the Copy Room at the time. I shared the room with my friend and fellow co-worker, JT, who at the time was a floating aide. She would bring back the things teachers needed her to work on to her desk in the room. We had a radio in the room but we had never turned it on to listen to it. For some reason, JT decided to turn it on that morning and listen to some music. I had stepped out of the room for a bit to talk to another co-worker. I came back in and JT told me that it had just come over the news that a plane had hit one of the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. We talked about what a horrible accident that was. A bit later we heard that a second plane hit the other tower and I said, "We're going to war." I called H who at the time was home taking care of our youngest D, just 3. I asked him if he was listening to the news. He said no, that D3 was watching 'Dora the Explorer'. I told him he better turn on the news and told him what had happened.
In the next hours we heard about the Pentagon attack and the plane that went down in Shanksville, PA. All the TV's in the school were turned on and I remember going into the main office and seen many teachers sitting in the principal's office watching the news and some were crying. I peeked in just in time to watch one of the towers crumble down. The sky on that brilliant morning was black with debris and smoke. I saw terrifying images that will be forever etched in my mind.
No one knew what was to come next. Were the attacks done or were there more to come? I went back to the Copy Room. I continued my job. I came out to deliver some copies and looked up and there standing at the end of the hall was H with D3 in his arms. He'd come to check on me and the kids. I was so relieved that he was there. A man coming to check on the family that meant everything to him. That night we all huddled close thanking God we were together and safe.
We skip to 10 years later... Today H was supposed to be here at 9:00 am to pick up the girls and take them out. He wanted to come early so he could be home in time to watch the football game. He still wasn't here by 10. D13 texted him and he finally texted back and said he had gotten a late start and he was hopping in the shower and would be here soon. D13 texted back and said that D18 wouldn't be able to go because she had to be at work by one. 45 minutes later the house phone rings, it's H, he called to say that he was sitting out in the driveway waiting for the girls...He couldn't even come to the door that was 30 feet away...
IDK - I hear all the people speaking about the family members they lost that day. Those people left their families by no choice of their own. Here my H decides to throw away a family who adored him. I guess I will never understand and maybe I'm not meant to...
Hi sweetie. It is so hard to understand how these men could change so much. Funny how I was feeling the same thing today watching about 9/11.
I wonder sometimes, what was the point of all this? Me sitting here with a son who has been derailed since this began. Unable, still to find his footing. And me. struggling financially and physically.
And xh, 5 hours away, no longer with ow, seeing his only child once every month or two.
I know that I will never know. And while the reason will not change the facts, I think sometimes it would help make sense of it.
That kind of day today. A day to be thankful for what we have and to pray for what others have lost. And a feeling of sadness because life is really so short.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
