The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
Still nothing to really report. Just a thought that struck me today for some reason. I'm not really sure I ever really wanted her back. I know I've had this thought before, but been angry lately. I wonder if that's anger at myself really? Just thinking out loud.

I feel like I've wasted a lot of energy on somebody who lied to and about me. Is that a big deal? Not really. But pile it all up with the whole picture of "why" and I'm a bit angry. As I mentioned above, I am starting to wonder if I am angry at me... for taking that time for something I'm not even sure I wanted after I became aware of the whole thing. I've felt guilty about some of that before, but tell the truth, I don't trust her and there is no "relationship" to be had. I let her use me as a participant when she was using me to fuel her anger - both before and after she left. I put a stop to that, but I feel like I've wasted so much time with that in the past. I'm tired of thinking about the whole thing. Seriously.

Everything else is great! Love my job, even with the stress and hours. Love my kids, even though my daughter won't talk to me right now. Things are really going well all in all.

For some reason (likely the finality of the divorce if I had to wager a guess) I'm making more connections. Feels like lurching into reality.

Acceptance? Thought I had done that, but maybe this is more final...

Anyway, nice weekend with son planned at the beach. Looking forward to it.

AJ