Welp.. Got a call from w this morning. I was on a tech scout for a new tv series. Sex in the City type.. but takes place in the dog grooming business. Let me just say that I am very excited to be working with dogs on set. I'm not a huge dog person at all, but it's something new and I've been praying towards my career advancing.
Sorry sidetracked. Anyway, I didn't answer because I was working but man did I shake.. literally shake when I saw the number.
Her vm was very pleasant. She had received my email (posted above) and wanted to chat via the phone instead of writing a huge email. Makes sense. I did say I was unclear about something she wrote.
Haven't called her back yet. The fact that I shake when she calls means I am still very fearful of her. I've also been longing for contact with her so I know that plays a part at some level.
However at the same time, I've really been trying to live my life by faith. It is not easy as I am quite the control freak at times.
The current truth is that my w doesn't call me. She has a really hard time dealing with me. And the fact that she is being pleasant.. woah.
So I'm thinking of calling her back because of these reasons.
1) If the situation was reversed, I would want her to call me back. Treat others the way I want to be treated.
2) All I've been hearing in church is God's grace, love, compassion, I want to continue to show those things to her.. even if she can't do the same for me.
3) I have faith that God is in control. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it if things get cold, or angry. Or the abuse starts. That I won't be able to stop the situation.. but I also feel like I won't know until I tried. It's a phone call.. not an in person meeting. I don't feel I'm ready for that, and honestly God hasn't given me the opportunity to.
I feel, at the moment, that her call is by his will. Maybe to help move the D on, maybe to give me strength, maybe to help me gain control (even just the smallest way) over my life. To take one small step and say.. "I'm worth it and I'm strong enough to stop it".
Wish me luck people.. that includes here's to hoping that I don't turn into a chicken sh!t or that I'm not too hard on myself if I don't handle the situation perfectly. Whether I call or back or not.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
