I've am dealing with a somewhat similar situation with XH right now and trying to find my way as well. I have been on an emotional journey this summer but I'm sorry that I haven't taken the time to journal about it on my thread (if it even still exists somewhere???).
What I think is true in my situation ---- and probably also in yours ---- right now is what many posters have referred to. Beatrice referred to this phenomenon in her post above: the MLCer wants to know that we are still there.........and as long as we are RIGHT there for them, they will not be able to realize what their life is like without us. Backing off is scary for us because they may find someone else to meet the needs that we have fulfilled. I know that you have already been through this "on steroids" when you cut your XH off last spring. I would imagine that at this point the thought of opening yourself up to more potential emotional pain (similar to what MHL and Grit are thinking about right now) causes you to be circumspect about how you handle the evolution of this new contact with XH.
XH and I had a heated discussion at the end of June that really affected our interactions. That interaction was really a gift to me that allowed me to see that XH really isn't the person that I knew before. It allowed me to pull away emotionally from the man who inhabits XH's body now (while still loving the man that I knew in the past) and really for the first time planning my life as a single woman again......and about 6 weeks after I pulled away, XH began to initiate again. 2 weeks ago he asked me out for a casual dinner and drinks after PP (he asked 1 week in advance --- interesting ---he treated), when 8 weeks before he had told me he wanted NO socializing with me outside of playing PP..........I am not jumping to respond to every contact XH makes with me, but getting to it when I have time and am so inclined. From where I sit (and you know your situation better than anyone, so please take this with a grain of salt) I think that you should do the same. If you keep filling that need that XH has by being a counsellor and a shoulder to lean on, XH will never have to recognize that OW can't provide that for him because she doesn't have the breadth of experience, insight, or capacity for analysis that you have.
Just my 2 cents.............oh, and I'm really glad to see that you survived the hurricane intact. I have a medium-sized yard and I have been busy keeping my yard groomed all summer, so I applaud your efforts on yours. ........About a month ago I drove past XH's house to see long grass growing out of his concrete steps and the flowers planted in his front pots were dead and dried in the heat. Guess we're doing pretty well, huh?
