Rick1963, I can honestly tell you that I'm not trying to use them to see their mother. What she is doing...well, I can't answer that. But I think you are on to something here. Just a half hour ago she text messaged me and asked me to pick up our D before she went to work. The thing is that her work is literally six blocks from my house. Her house is over 7 miles away. I told her that I was busy and that I figured she would drop the D off since her work is really close to my house. She responds with, "yes, I can do that...it'll be around 2:15".
With all that being said, I think some light bulbs are going off in my head. I've had some time to think about this whole situation. I've had to be honest with myself and had to answer some tough questions. MHL stated that it was possible that I was fearing a detachment from my wife because I'm afraid I'll lose her for good. I think that is a good assessment, BUT, I don't think it's because I'm worried my absence will make her think I don't love her anymore. I am being motivated by fear. I'm afraid of falling out of love with her. Let's be honest, she's done some pretty crappy things. I'm afraid that if I admit what she is done I will be angry and have to admit that I want this marriage to end too.
Don't get me wrong. I do love her and I do want to reconcile, but I don't want to be married the way we were married. I was unhappy, she was unhappy and the last couple of years sucked. IF we do get back together things have to be different. She is not the same woman I married, on the flip side, I'm not the same man. Truth is, I don't like this woman that she has turned into. It's really hard to admit that, and it makes me sick to even type that out...but it's true.
My family and I have this uncanny ability to cut people off and not care anymore. I think it's a crappy coping method and I generally do not practice it until some severs the relationship with me. This is what I have been feeling drawn to do...cut her off. I've been fighting it because, as I mentioned before, I don't want to fall out of love with her. The thing is...either way, this marriage is over. Even if things work out between us, THIS marriage has to be dead. It won't work otherwise. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. When she pulls this being nice crap it sends me into a tailspin. MHL is right, it is harder to deal with. When I fall, I notice I'm short with my kids. I'm frustrated and I'm not being the father that I want to be. The kids see me emotional and they know that I want her back. They know that I think this is unfair, but I love their mom very much. This type of behavior is no longer acceptable to me. I vow to not let my kids see me like that again. If I'm still holding on, they will continue to hold on. If I'm emotional, they will be riding the same emotional roller coaster that I am on. I cannot and will not allow this to happen. I have to lead my kids out of this emotional mess. Yeah, it is going to hurt, but if they see me being strong and in control, they will follow that. They too are going through the games that their mom is playing with their dad. NO MORE!!!
The bottom line is this....I am officially done. For my sanity sake, I have to be. It's not going to be easy, but it's over...I want it over and I'm moving on. Keep this in mind, I'm not giving up hope on reconciling. The thing is, if it is going to work then she has got to get her head out of her nether region. As I stated above, I believe God wants this to work...and if he does than he's going to have to do the work because I quit. She is going to have to do her part as well and I'm not going to wait around for her. I have no intention of dating anyone else or anything like that...I'm not that type of "done". I think you all know what I mean.
As for the kiddos. I'm not going to be answering any calls from my wife. If it's important enough she can text me. If my daughter call and wants to come home then I think I should go get her. She probably is looking at me for strength and sadly I am the only stable thing in her life right now. Later down the road, if she starts using method to control us then I will stop it. Until then, they need whatever comfort they can get. They are the ones hurting the most in this situation. They need to be my number one priority. As for talking to my W about them hurting...well, I'm done with that too. Even though she is acting, for a lack of a better term, stupid, it doesn't mean she is. I think everyone is right when they say that she knows what she is doing is wrong. It's up to her to decide to accept it or not. She doesn't need me to remind her. She certainly is not stupid.
One of my favorite songs says, "you got to make her know how it feels to miss you. let her know you're swapping sides. you're not the one with all the problems, no, you're the one with all the pride. so pick your head up boy and walk away, walk the coolest walk that you know. 'cause in a month or two she'll be calling...hang up the phone."
