Preseason has begun...just trying to make the cut

[MadeToSucceed]

My W did not perform well in her major competition. In fact she performed worse than she has in years and others she typically does better than did much better than she did. I watched it live because part of me still wants to support her and express my love. But I still have not reached out to her. I felt for her because I know she's got to be hurting but at the same time, I felt a sense of "guilt" (for lack of a better word) for not "feeling" the same type of pain for her that I would typically feel under "normal" circumstances.

A friend contacted me today and told me she's formally changed her name back to her maiden on fb has even clicked the "unmarried" icon. Trivial, I know, but it's another public affirmation. I was also told she's telling people within the last 24 hours (AFTER her competition) that she had to be woman enough to walk away because I was doing things that would never change...which further reinforces my thoughts that she was sending me a self serving email...it's almost as if now she's trying to rationalize it away even FURTHER...to the extent where she wants to place the blame on me. If she'd truly forgiven me as she says, there'd be no need to continue to hold me at fault.

I feel like I'm in dangerous spot. I'm having tons of emotions running through me. When we're in mediation they're going to ask why we're getting a divorce. Irreconcilable differences is not why. Nothing biblical is why. She filed, not me. I'm feeling as if I'm part of the problem, with the church and society, if I just let it go.

Almost like it reinforces her "I got away with it" mentality. I almost want to be able to say on record: "I don't want to be divorced. I love my wife. I want no part of a divorce. But if that is what she wants, my response is not because of irreconcilable diff but rather adultery. I do not want an extra dime than what I'm entitled but I'm not comfortable essentially pretending/lying about what is taking place."

I feel like on one hand, let God handle her and the situation. On another I feel like I'm part of the problem if I essentially "cover it up." I know that no one can answer this for me and it's a decision I have to make for myself but I'm not in a "good place" and I have been for the past week or so. The last few days have been difficult and unsettling for me and I'm just not sure the direction I want to take.