sandi2...questions

[MHL]

Since she's been nice to me we have been talking a lot more. However, this is part of her game and I will do what you said.

I am going to take what you asked in the order that you wrote it so as to same me time.......but I want you to understand something........

It is your "mindset" and your "heart-set".......

Both of those things need to be set on "Love". The actions you take may not "feel" like you are loving her but they are neccessary because you do "LOVE" her.

Do not confuse that with doing or saying things in order to gain her love back either.

Remember......your love is unconditional.......You LOVE her even when she is not LOVING you back.....sometimes she may be hating you back but you still love her in the face of that anger she spews.

Now, she is not playing a game.....she is not thinking about anything beyond five minutes of the feeling that is driving the thought.

Remember MLC=Confusion (I do recomend that you still read in the MLC forum, although it might not get as much traffic it will give you a better understanding of MLC.)

I know you only used the word "game" as a metaphor but please understand that there is no "plan" on her part......she is living in the moment and also their memory is terrible, literally.

But, since this is basically a game, is it wrong to look at what she is doing and question it from a strategic (not emotional) standpoint?

Correct, it is wrong to look and analyze.

No matter the sitch WAW/MLC or whatever......do not look for results from your changes or actions immediately......stretch out your timeline.....

hours to days.......
days to weeks.......
weeks to months......
and yes, months to years.

MWD hits the nail on the head....been married or together 10 years it will take at least 10 months before things get better.......probably much longer with MLC.

Or, should I just kind of say screw! it? I'm not sure how I could DB with the screw it attitude.

This I covered up there about your actions are born out of Love.

You can not do this with a "screw it" attitude. So again you are correct.

Now that being said, you do have to have an attitude of.....

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS YOU WILL BE OKAY, YOU WILL PROSPER, YOU WILL BE HAPPY!!!!!!

Sometimes that may come across as a "screw it" attitude which you do not want to project.

Yes, in DBing we do want the WAS/MLCer to take notice of what you are doing.......and that thing we want them to notice is you living YOUR life, YOU being happy with YOU and the fact that you are Moving Forward, not Moving ON.

There is much debate about Moving Forward/On......the important thing is that you are MOVING..........the thing that will get you stuck and keep you from moving is looking at your W and trying to figure out why she is doing/saying the things she does.

There is something I need to know though. I feel like her and I had something special that most people don't have. I feel like the MLC is clouding her reasoning. I feel that it is inevitable that we will get back together. It's one of those feelings that you get in the pit of your stomach, if that makes any sense? I know that God's plan would be for us to reconcile, but he won't control anyone's free will. I don't want to sound crazy and I hope you understand what I'm saying, but I almost feel that God has told me this.

Look, I get this and I feel/felt the same way about my XW. I will love her until the day I die, and that is a "pit in my stomach thing".

Let this drive you to "do what you need to do" not what you "feel" you need to do. (read Sandi's signature)

My question is this....is this feeling a normal thing that most people in our situation feel? Could it be that I'm in some sort of denial? My emotions and thoughts are everywhere right now. I don't want to hold on to false hope. Just curious if this is something I should hold onto, or understand my situation and ignore it.

David,
We all come here hoping to save our marriage......the thing about hope is that it is yours to have.

I would direct you to

Corinthians 13:1-13......Love always hopes.......

While reality may be cold and harsh never let anyone diminish your hope.....

I lied...one more question.

How should I handle the situation with the kids? As I mentioned before I don't want to use them as a game piece, but my wife needs to see what she is doing is hurting the kids. I bought my oldest a cell phone so she could call me or her mom anytime...I hoped this would help with the transition. So what do I do when she calls asking to come back home with me? Should I make her stay at her moms? Should I go get her? What about when my wife calls me telling me that my kids are upset? Well I guess I should just not answer the phone when the W calls, right?

I just feel like by me always going and getting them I'm keeping my W from seeing the hurt she is causing. BUT, I can't stand to see my girls cry.

That up there in bold is something you hope that she sees but you can not force her to see it.

There are many different views on kids and the exact thing you are talking about. This is where you need to be strong and explain to your daughter that her Mom loves her and she needs to spend time with her.

I will tell you from personal experience that if there is a rift between your W and your children it can make the situation much more difficult.

I will try to post more later.

Hope this helps.

Cheers