Do what I can but still have questions 3

[aeolianchaos]

he is the one with the problem communicating.

hmm..

Another alternative, he could have just put on his BBP.

Maybe thats what he needs to tell you about ..

Whatever the case, I should prepare myself for anything.

Good wisdom. What if he says he is having an A? I'm not saying he is, but if he does - what would be the most effective way to deal w/ that?

Well now he has taken that back and is trying to use it against me. He had plenty of opportunity (5 years) to back out of it if he didn't want to marry so I think it is TOTAL BS.

From your perspective - it probably is total BS.

From his - who knows, people have all sorts of perspectives and usually its a mix of experience and fantasy.

[soccerwife]

How do you prepare yourself to hear that your spouse had an A?

Seriously, I believe him for now, but I still have doubts. Can I do anything to mentally prepare myself?

[aeolianchaos]

Yes.

I believe this is a 'prepare for the worst, hope for the best' scenario.

You will be likely angry. Perhaps in a way that is different from anything you've ever felt before.

Some possible symptoms to experience/expect:

• Heart Racing
• Body temp rising - esp around the head/face
• Sweating.
• Hands Trembling
• Nausea.
• Tension in the neck/shoulders/jaw.
• Dizziness.
• Clenched fists.
• Perspiration.

There are probably more. So you need to recognize them and find a way to 'cook them' or digest them without suppressing them. This is not going to be easy. It will be in fact, very very very hard. But, if you can somehow choose to maintain that awareness, I think you could probably do this. Did I mention it would be a challenge?

The upshot is - you pull that off, and you are taking a big step towards losing reactivity towards your spouse (a good thing).

You maintain your high ground in a way that may completely shift the dynamics of things.

You can give a modulated response that is grounded and yet completely appropriate.

You might be shocked. Maybe not - you've probably read enough around here to be at least a little 'street-wise' about this stuff.

I think that the best you can hope for is to not let your anger take over everything else. If you can get outside of it and find a way to keep your bigger picture in mind, you have a chance at not losing yourself to it.

If you think about what comes up on this board so much - people react to their WAS walking w/ pleading, begging, crying, etc.. and it doesn't really get them much of anywhere. Later on, they begin to get a perspective and eventually they are (hopefully) okay with themselves. Perhaps moreso than they were in their M.

One big thing to ponder, re: infidelity. When a spouse violates their vows, they have violated their own integrity. Essentially they have sold themselves out. Vows are something we make to ourselves - its just we usually make them in a reciprocated fashion to another person.

Sometimes when someone violates their own integrity, our attachment makes us react as if we violated ours too.

So - don't let yourself feel diminished by someone else's lack of integrity. You have your own to maintain, and it's quite literally impossible for you to maintain someone elses as well.


One idea, which may be of use:

One way to prepare for this is to use your imagination in a focused way - kind of a very strange 'creative visualization' exercise -- get yourself physically responding to the stress of what you are imagining - stay aware of it and explore those feelings. What happens that's unique to you when you feel angry or hurt? How does it pop up in your body? Can you experience it, without a lot of 'chatter'? Can you be there with that discomfort and still know you are okay? Does it feel different than other times you've felt angry/upset/betrayed?

[soccerwife]

I felt all of those symptoms this morning when he told me for the first time that he couldn't do our goodbye kiss ritual anymore. I got a blank stare on my face, whispered to him not to take that from me, got very nausiated, and layed down on the kitchen floor. He simply left for work. How heartless.

I really felt like I was going to vomit. Our goodbye ritual was the last thing "normal" we had holding this all together.

Once I calmed down, I realized that this was just one more thing I have to let him take before he realizes when he is throwing away. I will let him take this off of me, but I know someday he is going to want it back. Hopefully that is before he makes bigger mistakes.

I am really not sure I will be able to do anything to work through the pain without outwardly expressing it. Maybe I will take an Ativan before we go to the session.

I will also try to practice the "Creative visualization" you described. I really don't understand it, but it seems to be similar to meditation. Instead of reacting, I will focus on the symptoms I am feeling and deal with each one separately as they arise. When they have all passed, then I will have a clearer mind to deal with whatever H has said that made me upset.

[aeolianchaos]

That probably was very unpleasant when he did that.

I don't know how to say this without it sounding like a bummer or harsh, but that's his thing.

You are still a loving person. You are still caring and wanting to have a good relationship w/ your H. No one can take the best of who you are away from you unless you choose to let it go.

So don't think of it as him taking something from you - I know that probably sounds/feels like crazytalk right now, but it's him refusing to participate in an activity for his reasons. You can't blame yourself for his decisions.

[soccerwife]

I will now choose to let our goodbye ritual go and I am certain he will miss it. He can pursue me when he is ready to resume.

I am reading on WikiHow, How to gain control of your emotions. So much of it describes me. The challenge will be to feel the symptoms of emotional pain, figure out exactly which emotion I am experiencing, consider my options, and make a choice based on what I want the outcome to be.

I have never once been successful at this. Every time I suffer emotional trauma, my outward emotions take over and I can't calm down until they are all gone. Sometimes that does not happen until someone I care about intervenes (H, D, Gram, Dad, friend, etc) and helps me past it.

[Forrest Gump]

"F.G., you are right, I should have had a plan on how to react before I walked through the door. and there were moments (at least a dozen) where my brain told me to leave the room, go to bed, cut off the conversation, but I just kept getting sucked back in by his responses. However, if I hadn't blown up, I don't think he would have agreed to try to figure this out. He will never be able to figure it out on his own and he will ruin our family in the process. I really believe that MC intervention is the only way for him to get past all the *&%( that he has hidden inside over the years."

But pressuring someone into doing it is not going to have the results you want either. The idea that I try to convey to people is your interactions should be almost "emotionless". He very well could have the thought that he will go to MC and stir things up.. get you to rant again.. then he can say "See what I am dealing with?" The idea is you want people to come to you. This is why you see a lot of talk about when you are first dating someone. When you first meet someone the "chase" is easy. It is the idea that you both want to be with one another and it is not "work" to do that.. it just kinda happens. From experience don't go into MC expecting it to change anything. Go and do it with a really open mind. Watch and listen. Do it with no expectations.

"About me getting into a position where I am the one who wants to file for D...I have noticed that happens on here quite a bit. What is that about? How does that happen? Is it the distancing/detaching? Or is it we just can't handle their baggage anymore and we become too strong, independent, and happy on our own?"

The stitch you are in is just caustic by nature. You can only take so much drama. If every day you came home from work and when you turned the door knob it gave you a hair raising shock.. how long would you keep doing it before you decided enough was enough? You can create healthy distance while living in the same home. I have seen signs in your posts that you are doing it with some success. Again DB'ing is about "seeing" what works and keeping that up. You are already stronger than you were.. you are already more independent than you were..

Make your home somewhere he wants to be. If he decided to leave hold the door open and tell him to come back soon. He has to want to fix it. Give him a reason to.

[soccerwife]

I know I have come very far in the last month. I have done incredible self discovery, a ton of learning about relationships and successful marriages, I have become more spiritual, I have learned to take care of myself better, and I have made great strides at learning to listen and control my emotions.

I just don't think I will ever shake the fear that I will be left alone by the man I know I was meant to be with for life.

And that is what I am learning that this is all about. I am just plain scared... that it will hurt, that I will be alone, that I will fail again, that there is something wrong with me, that family and friends will be disappointed, that the future is dark and dismal and I have already experienced all the happiness that God had intended for me.

As for the MC, H approached me about it. I didn't even ask him. I told him I would not support or help with D and it was going to have to be all him. He txt me the next morning that he could try MC one more time. Whether he will put effort into it is another story. And there is the possibility he will just use it to try to further separate us.

[Forrest Gump]

"I just don't think I will ever shake the fear that I will be left alone by the man I know I was meant to be with for life.

And that is what I am learning that this is all about. I am just plain scared... that it will hurt, that I will be alone, that I will fail again, that there is something wrong with me, that family and friends will be disappointed, that the future is dark and dismal and I have already experienced all the happiness that God had intended for me."

And yet that is exactly where you are. I am all for sticking it out. I am not trying to sway you either way. I learned a long time ago that you can't push people one way or another. You have to understand that this situation is something that needed to happen. It was holding you both back. It will change your relationship.. forever. Depending on how you look at it, it can be both good or bad. Don't let it beat you. Make informed decisions.. make smart decisions. Pay attention to the world around you. You can "see" where you need to go if you just step back and face what you have.

[Valeska19]

You have to understand that this situation is something that needed to happen. It was holding you both back. It will change your relationship.. forever. Depending on how you look at it, it can be both good or bad. Don't let it beat you. Make informed decisions.. make smart decisions. Pay attention to the world around you. You can "see" where you need to go if you just step back and face what you have.

^^^ Love this!