Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Thanks, Endeavour. The big trick is to know that there is pain behind W's upset in the moment, so that I can learn not to react at that time. These insights are great, but it's much easier to educate my thoughts than to educate my feelings, which, unfortunately, still react as though I'm a 5 year old.

Right now, I am having some trouble DBing. I have made a few changes - some GAL, backing off, giving W room, and controlling my temper better. The last one is kind of hard to see, because W has been avoiding talking about much of any importance - she is afraid of me melting down. Anyway, I have done a few things, and there has been some success. Things are not terribly tense between me and W, and there has been the occasional sex (W will not consider it ML at this point, just calls it sex). As has been pointed out, these are very good things, definite progress.

The trouble comes because the changes have slowed down. It is probably a lack of patience on my part, but the thoughts keep on returning to my mind: "It was getting better, and now it's stopped. Is there something more I should be doing? Is it supposed to stop and platteau like this? Will I lose the progress we've made if we don't keep progressing?" And a hundred other "freak out" questions.

I think I already know the answer. First, I need to make these current changes last, which is a job in itself. I could shift my focus to making more changes, but if I do too much at once it may be harder to make the changes permanent. We have probably reached a stopping point for the time being because W is enjoying some of the changes, but now she is nervous - she is opening up to me a little, and is afraid that the other shoe will soon drop. I think she has put on the brakes to wait it out and see if the changes will last, before she drops her guard any more. Or maybe the change is just a little tiring, and she is not ready to tackle any more just yet. I think maybe this little stop is a normal occurrence on the way back to a good marriage.

When there is some affection, even a little, between us, it is so hard for me not to scramble back to her to soak in as much as I can. I am afraid it will always be scarce, and want to have it while I can. Of course, doing so ensures that it will be scarce. So I guess I had better renew my efforts to be independent of W - even though it sometimes feels like I am being inattentive.

I have a little extra time today at work. Maybe I should finish up what I have to do, and then hit DR again - I could use more refresher. I never bring the book into the house. W doesn't need to know that I am putting effort into our M, except when she actually sees me doing it.

I love you guys! Thank you for being there for me.