sandi2...questions

[MHL]

David,

Man I feel for you......been there and done that for sure.

The questions you have I will answer.......

However I want to be clear.....the answers will not dictate the actions you need to take.

You are looking for hope in things your wife says or does to keep you in the game.......this is completely normal. Do not put your hope in people, they will fail you everytime.....even your spouse.

The hope to save your marriage should come from within you and from GOD alone. Often times we the LBS are looking for something externally to tell us it is really over and that we can move on with our lives.

It is kind of like when someone close to us dies........some people can not really believe that a loved one is really dead unless they see the body. After they see the body, then reality sets in and they can start to move forward, move on....whatever........the important thing is that they move and not get stuck.

Well in our situation with our spouses, we will not get that "dead body" to help us move......we look for it in the words our spouses speak and in the actions they take.......but then they do something like....."wash our shirt" or be nice to us, our say "I love you" and we immediately hang all our hopes for a reconciled marriage on the littlest thing that our spouse does.

All it does is confuse us and twists us and turns us and makes us crazy and causes us pain. The kids go through the same thing and it causes them pain too. (More on the kids in a minute.)

What you have to do is detach from her words and actions.....and when we say detach, it is not just detaching from the negative stuff but also the positive stuff also.......in a way the positive stuff is worse and more painful.

You can not detach from her if there is contact......try to limit your contact with her as much as possible.......this will be hard because of your FEAR.

You FEAR that if you do not interact with your W or return a nice gesture that she will really be done. Well guess what she will use that one over and over again to suck you back in. You have to kill that FEAR....it is driving you right now.....again completely normal but it will keep you from doing what you need to do and will prolong your pain.

I am really glad that you are reading DR and the light is coming on for you.....it did for me too.

However, as you are reading you are learning about tatics and techniques that you can use that can save your marriage......and you are eager to show your spouse that you have changed and that you understand.......I get all that,

However

The thing that most people miss in DR and is key before you start to use these tatics is working on yourself.....and you cannot possibly start to REALLY work on you until you detact and let go of her.

I hesitate to put a timeline on it but I would say a minimum of a month if not 2 or 3 months honestly, additionally David you are definitely dealing with MLC and the timeline is much longer and it is much uglier.

So to sum up what I am saying to you is that you need to focus on you and your kids.......yes it will be difficult and you will have questions about your W's actions and words however DO NOT let your focus off of YOU and YOUR LIFE!!

Now for some of your questions......

Why is she being nice to you when just last week she was so nasty???

This is normal, she knows what she is doing is wrong and therefore has to justify it by making you the bad guy and covering her pain and suffering with anger. Anger can mask the true underlying emotion a person is usually experiencing.....which is usually PAIN.

She will return to being nice to make it all okay as if everyone thinks this will be okay and the kids will be alright and that this is the right thing to do.........do you know who they are really trying to convince?????

THEMSELVES......they don't believe the bullch!t they are shoeling but maybe if everyone else around them believes it then some how it will be real.

When you try to snap them back to reality by telling them that the kids are suffering b/c of their sh!tty decisions.....well get ready b/c that will just piss them off and they will go into "Possessed Demon MODE", spewing hate and anger.

The best you can do is leave her alone completely......if there is no one to sell the bullch!t to then it will be that much quicker that she will start to question what she is doing.

You HAVE to let her figure it out on her own and it will take TIME.......MONTHS more than likely.

So, what do I do next time? I was trying to keep my kids' well-being in mind. Any advice is welcome. I don't want to be perceived as pursuing or making her feel guilty or bad. But....



David,
Here is the part that really sux....the kids. As if you don't have to be super patient with your own pain and feelings and suffering but now you have to help your kids also.

THIS IS NOT FAIR, but you have to rise above.........BE THE BEST DAMN FATHER ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH..........

You have to put YOUR HURT, YOUR FRUSTRATION, YOUR ANGER, YOUR TEARS, YOUR EVERYTHING.........

and be there for YOUR KIDS.

Comfort them love them and support them, let their needs be your focus to take your mind off of what your W is doing. I know this is hard b/c your W is the cause of the pain. You want to stop your kids pain so you think that you should do something about the source of the pain........right?????

Wrong!!!!!!

The source of the pain, you have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER.....so stop wasting time and energy.......the war is raging on and the causuaties are gonna keep coming......you are the field doctor, treat your patients..........stop trying to make peace and stop the war.

Hang in there.....it will get better in TIME....I promise.

Hope this helps

Cheers