Dazed and confused...

[lstincali22]

It’s been a long time since my last post; I’ve been trying to keep my mind off the things that had been going on and trying to regroup.

I saw a psychiatrist and a medical doctor since my last post; I decided to get evaluated for Bipolar disorder. I had blood work done, by the doctor to make sure I was chemically balanced, and an evaluation done by the shrink.

It turns out I am just very stressed by the current situation, and I am over thinking everything. The shrink feels I put too much time and effort into analyzing everything and it puts me through a whirlwind of emotions, quite normal for my situation but something I need to control.

The situation with my W hasn’t changed much. I just try to keep to myself and not initiate very much communication with her. As far as I know she still plans on moving out at the end of next month.

Most of the communication is about our kids. The boys started school today so the last few weeks have been busy with getting everything set up for school. We actually had a few shopping trips as a family seemed a little odd at first, but turned out quite well.

I’ve also focused on spending time with both S’s before going back to school. Bowling, fishing, hiking and football practice lots and lots of football practice.

The few times I have had conversations with W she seems very frustrated with me.

I had attempted to have a conversation about a parenting plan and how we would handle splitting up the week when she leaves. The conversation ended up being about how I try to control her and everything else that has to do with our family.

Needless to say it didn’t go well, we were supposed to continue the 19th but I decided I didn’t want to initiate the conversation that day and she never brought it up.

Her comments about control really got me thinking. Even when I feel like I’m not being controlling my actions really seem to be interpreted by others in a very different way.I feel as if just trying to be proactive but I can see how others may see my planning as taking control.
I've really been working on this but it will take some time before I can make the change stick.

I know that the fear of being a failure had motivated me to take control of things in many situations throughout my career but I never had taken a close enough look at the way it transferred over into life at home.

I have to realize that the motivation has helped me in reaching the levels of success I have achieved thus far, but, I know it’s time to change my approach. My outlook needs to be one that is much more positive!

I know that I need to show much more of the compassion and empathy that I feel for others, but have always seen as a weakness.

I’ve already made many changes at work in that sense. I’ve gone from being the boss that tells people exactly what to do and how much time they have to, the boss that leads you down a thought process, allows for mistakes to be made ( as long as you learn from them!) and encourages everyone to keep an open mind.

I’ve also been able to change many of the ways I interact with my kids. They have also seen me as somewhat of a dictator at home, a loving dictator, but one none the less.

I am really taking the time to listen to what they have to say and letting them know how important they are to me, and how important their ideas and thoughts are as well.

There is much more compromising going on at home, the thoughts and feeling of both the boys are being taken into consideration and it is a more stable less confrontational environment overall. It really makes for calmer days!

A lot of different learning going on and most of it has been me focusing on me! Not on the situation.

Sunday was an example of that for me.
Usually, not going to church on a Sunday was not an option! My S14 asked if we could skip church and hit the beach since it was so hot and it was the last day of their summer break. His argument was that if we waited to go after church the beach would be packed and it would be very late by the time we got home. Also the later we went the hotter the day would be!

The temperature has been in the 95-105 range and only 78 at the beach so his argument made sense to me! I also agreed to take 2 of S14 friends along so it was going to be me 3 teenage boys and my S9.

This is something that would not have happened last year. I was never a big fan of the beach for some reason or another so instead of thinking about what would be fun for the kids I would opt out of going and my W would have to take them. Very selfish of me!

As I was getting the everything ready and, taking care of breakfast for the kids, I asked W if she would like to join us, She immediately said no, I was disappointed and tried my best not to show it. S9 then asked her if she wanted to go he told her it would be fun if we could all go as a family. She told him no as well. At this point it was difficult for me not to show my disappointment. W asked why I was mad. I told her I wasn’t mad, I was disappointed. W said you’re disappointed because I won’t do what you want! I responded with it has nothing to do with what I want, S9 would really like for us to do this as a family, with your stated plan of leaving in September this could be one of the last times we can do something like this.

W responded with, “So you’re suggesting that we do this for the kids, not ordering?” I said, “Yes, it’s a suggestion”

That is all it took. W got ready and came along with us. Needless to say the boys had a fantastic time at the beach. I spent most of the time playing around with the boys, enjoying myself, W and I exchanged a little small talk. She asked me a few times as to why I was so, Gung-Ho about going to the beach. I think it really surprised her.

I told her about conversation with S14 and that I thought it would be fun. She seems to have had a good time as well, no arguments or discussions about any of the stuff I usually over analyze. We were able to relax and just enjoy the weather and the watching the boys attempt to skin board.

I grilled burgers for dinner when we got home and overall it seemed as if everyone had a good day!

I know that I should not feel disappointment in her responses or actions, but when it has an effect on the kids it’s hard not to. I know it was still a bit controlling but i'm working on it!

I am happy with the changes that I am making both at work and at home with the kids. I feel that I am going in the right direction in improving myself and taking things one day at a time

The cycle that I have been going through with needing to control things is finally something I am conscious of.

I know I would take control, expect things to go my way, be impatient with others because they couldn’t meet my vision and expectations fast enough and the get angry with the outcome ALL because I feared the association with failure.

I’ve also set up a few goals, I told the boys that next year we will go to Hawaii for our summer vacation and spend a week on the beach. I’ve already opened a savings account specifically for the trip

I have decided to run the LA Marathon with a group of about 10 people from work next year (March) the training will keep me busy for at least 20 weeks and it is something on the bucket list, I had it down as something I wanted to accomplish before hitting 40.

One other thing that I put on the list was a promise I made to S9, I told him I would learn how to swim before our Hawaii trip, I know he will hold me to it!

If you read through this, sorry for such a long post!