SA, my heart goes out to you, because I have been through this too. And my xh now wonders why they do not send hims cards and gifts on his birthday.
Our children do come through it. I think my middle son needs therapy, but but the other two are more or less OK. They are angrier with their father than I am at this point. for what he did to them, and for what they saw him dong to me. As my middle son said 'I could get past almost everything else, but the cruelty'
Our example is vital - the fact that I can forgive my h and exchange emails with him. the fact that I still care tells them that love is enduring and kind. So is the fact that I have boundaries and would not accept his abusive behaviour when it was happening . . . . They are coming to see his behaviour as a mental illness, but one that continues to hurt them.
Emotionally our MLC spouses are in a very strange place that I honestly do not think any normal person can understand. We just have to realise that they are working through something.
It is awful seeing our children hurt, but it surely a symptom of the depth of your h's crisis that he is behaving this way?
Thank you Beatrice. Yes, I truly believe it shows how deep he's in. I pray to God that he wakes up enough to try and repair his R's with his children before he leaves this earth.
I guess it was just silly to try and see if there was any other reason besides the fact that H is so far in that he could care less about anyone else except himself.
It is obvious that he replaced one family with another and it's all acceptable to him.
SA- that is where I am exactley. My H is gettting his family "fix" from his "new" family I believe. Rather than see his own kids which he says is too hard to face he just avoids them. For 3 months. Says he will come and then doesn't. His excuse was I didn't give him a time. Whatever!! THey are his kids and his house. Just an excuse. He has said "I just can't face them" I told him everyday that goes by it doensn't get any easier.
We were posting at the same time and I didn't see it before. Thank you for reminding me of the obvious and thank you for reminding me that yes, they do avoid things that make them uncomfortable.
It was partly why he ran in the first place, and why he's still running.
Life, your H, like mine, will say the most illogical things to avoid taking responsibility for anything they've done. Someone else is always to blame. It seems to be a common theme in MLC.
As Cadet said, we're trying to be rational with an irrational person. Save your breath for the time being. He can't hear you right now.
I was going along living my life and hit a bump in the road. Thank you all for your support.
S24, didn't use his anger as a shield this time...
He used it as a sword...
It is ok to shield ourselves from the pain, but eventually it is going to come out...
Hopefully for him, this is the beginning of him dealing with that...
Your D13, is one gutsy kid and I like her a lot. She will be ok. She understands because of you...
Keep doing what you are doing with her...
Be her rock, and know that they (our children and our MLCers) have to forge their own relationships.
We can try to smooth the damage, as we should, but we can't fix it all for them.
Something that I have and continue to deal with myself.
You, need to deal with your feelings about this as well.
Our mamma bear instincts, can ruin our R's. Can affect our feelings beyond repair. Yes we can forgive, but it can also cause us to be unwilling to do more than that.
Trying to understand it, well there are just some things that we will never be able to understand better than we do right now. That is part of life.
Take your time with this. Don't do anything out of anger.
I know that you don't really need the reminders but...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Seeking - my youngest went back to grad school today, after the summer. I am sad, to be honest, and a little down today, although in a good way, because I miss him, although I will see him again in a few weeks . . . . My xh has not seen him for a long time . . . much more than a year, perhaps two. I don't even know when they last met. How does he live with it?
They are in altered state. Now of course he wants an r with his son, but he hasn't got to the point of saying he is sorry. I would do anything to rebuild an r with my child, these MLCers cannot even say sorry for what they have done . . . it is so very very sad for them and their children.
The MLcer feels like a victim, the child has been so very hurt. And as long as they are in MLC they are not able to do the things they need to do in order to even try and put it right
I was talking to a wise friend, we have in common, the other day and I told her that when H turned it around and blamed my daughter for not bothering to ask him why he couldn't see her on her b-day, I got a good dose of how ill H really is.
My anger started to recede and the compassion and pity started to take its place. My H is really messed up.
Cat, you are so right that my S used his anger as a sword this time. He carries it constantly and sometimes it gets to heavy and he lashes out.
Do you ever find yourself knowing something but not really wanting to believe it? Like the person that you've known, loved and had children with could really do things like this?
I know we've been accused on this board of wanting to believe our S's are in MLC because this was the last resort to thinking we still had a chance with our S. After I researched, I started out believing it was MLC and praying that it wasn't so. I will be totally honest and tell you I'd much rather the reason my H left us was because he fell out of love with me and that he was a WAH and not a MLCer. I haven't read of too many WAS's that go to the extent of just forgetting, regretting, or ignoring that their children exist.
MLC is a long, tough road for any of us to negotiate on either side. My heart goes out to all of us dealing with this.
I am sorry that you're feeling down, I know that feeling of a good miss. You miss your son but know he's left to continue making his way in the world. Be proud of the amazing job you've done in raising your children.
During the S's MLC one thing I have read over and over is how much closer the LBS grows to their children. We step up and do the best we can to fill in both roles.
SA- you said it perfectly. I don't want to believe it and have to keep reminding myself-this is who he is right now! I used to always be the first to defend him and that is a hard thing to stop even with the reality of everything staring me in the face.
SA- remind me again- are you still M? I just filed yesterday and really believe it is the end. He won't wake up.
But, I do often wonder maybe he never wanted children, maybe he never loved me? It is all so hard. I have to turn my brain off. I am afraid though it is all about to get nasty.
