I have been trying to treat him like the mailman. Sometimes however he tries to give unsolicited help or advice and that drives me up a wall. An example is a couple of weekends ago, I was away for the weekend with my youngest but the oldest D was still at home. She was going to take care of the pets. Well she didn't get home from a friends soon enough for his liking, so he let himself into my house to feed them and let the dog out. I had to find this out from my D though. I told him he couldn't just let himself in. He said fine the dog could just poop all over the place. I told him well that would be my problem wouldn't it. If he had called I would probably not have had a problem with it. As far as babysitting, that is written into the divorce decree. We each have the right of first refusal. I have to call him first if I need a babysitter and vice versa. I did that so he wouldn't be able to leave my D with a girlfriend in the future.
Why on Earth does he still have a key? He may be buying the house at some point and then he can have all of them but I wouldn't let him have one now. This is your home, he chose not to be there, that equals no key.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
From what I've read here that right of first refusal thing really doesn't mean anything. It's in my agreement too, but what if XW or I decide not to follow it? I'd have to hire an attorney to make a stink, which would accomplish ????
Just be prepared.
The unsolicited advice or help thing.
Imagine this scenario. What if a neighbor you know really well realized your dogs were inside and not cared for and that neighbor walked over, found the door open and went in and cleaned up for you.
Would you be grateful or angry? I'm betting you'd be grateful.
The reason I bring it up is that I no longer give XW advice unless she specifically asks for it. But on occasion I pitch in when I see a need. We had a massive snow storm this winter with 16 inches. With the blowing snow, my drive way had three feet of snow on it.
I was up at 3 a.m. shoveling and it took me two hours. Then I trudged down to XW's (she lives three blocks from me) and saw it was five feet high next to the garage door. And I shoveled it all away.
The girls said later that day that XW spent a while shoveling the sidewalks and then warned them she was going to be shoveling the driveway for a couple of hours. Then she opened the garage door and voila, no snow.
The girls asked if I did it. I said yes. I had the time. I also shoveled my elderly neighbor's that day and my uncle's.
XW never thanked me. I also have never brought it up. I still feel it was a good deed.
Funny thing. I was having problems early in the separation snooping. I was over at the house alot because of the kids and I'd look around.
I made a major step forward when I gave her my key and switched the afternoon routine so the girls came directly to my house.
I didn't want access to the house anymore -- even though I can get in if I really want.
Two years later, XW wants to give me a key because she says she can't trust her mom or sister to help her out if there's an emergency.
Funny how that works out.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
He still has a key because I din't ask for it back. I've never had an apartment key. Mostly he still has the key in case my youngest needs something from the house and no one is home. I told him I did not want him in the house in the future unless I either knew about it or one of the girls invites him in.
The right of first refusal is just something to point at and say we agreed to this. Truthfully anything in the divorce decree works that way. If my exh decided not to pay the support check I could get legal action but it would take some time to get something done about it. Basically it is the honor system. Mostly I just wanted to get it out there that I as my D's mother should have a chance to spend as much time with her as possible and not just drop her with a babysitter or girlfriend because it is easier. Same thing in reverse for him.
It was mostly a good day. Went to work, pick up youngest D,came home got lots of paperwork done,made dinner, went to school open house, youngest went to her dad's, I went to the gym, came home again. There was a strange car in the driveway. I was a woman exh has know for 2 years. I told him we had agreed to not bring dates home while I was living next door still. He said it was just a friend but well I don't quite believe him. I was hoping I wouldn't react this badly but I was still hit from the side and I stupidly started grilling him. Was he sure she was just a friend, was he interested in her, then I stupidly started asking why he let our marriage end and destroyed our family. Just a bad case of can't shut up-itis. Serious backslide but I think in a way I needed it also.
