It's been strange lately. My wife has been nice to me. She was yelling at me a week ago for shutting the trunk of her car and now she is nice. She owed my mom some money and offered to bring it over to the house rather than making me pick it up. Then I was looking for a shirt for a job interview and I couldn't fine it. I text messaged her and asked if it got mixed in with her laundry. She replied yes and she washed it for me, then said she would drop it off at the house. I politely told her that I would pick it up when I picked up the kids the next day. Then today, I can't say with 100% certainty, I think she told me she loved me when I was telling her bye. As suggested, I make it a point to get off the phone first. As I was telling her that I was going to go, she said something, and I think it was I love you, but I don't know.
Either way, I can't take any of it to heart. Even if she did it was probably out of habit...and that's assuming that she did. I'm going to assume she did not and move on.
Today was rough with the kids though. Lately they have been crying (especially my oldest) over the smallest things. As I'm sure many of you know, kids do not generally say that they're sad, but they act out. Today my daughter wanted to go to her mom's house. I had her mom come and pick her up. My wife asked what was wrong and I told her that my oldest was having a hard time. With her moving out and me painting and putting in new furniture reality was setting in. She replied with, "it'll get better". An hour later I get a call because my oldest was crying hysterically wanting to come to my place. My princess does not act this way. There is obviously something wrong. My wife said that she thought that my daughter was trying to control us and that we need to make a plan and stick with it..."we can't let her push us around".
Okay, I know I'm not supposed to say anything. I know she's in denial and doesn't realize what is happening. But, my kid is in pain, so I told my wife that it's more than just her pushing us around. She asked what it was. I got a bit confused as to what to do considering I shouldn't be bringing up the D or the M. So, I told her that I wasn't going to say and we should just drop it. Of course she got frustrated...but oh well. I told her that I think my oldest should stay with her because she is having trouble being around the house. She hung up then called back because my D was still freaking out. I figured that this is my kid and I need to say what I think is going on. So I told my W that she was having a hard time because of the D. I told her she needed to understand that this is hurting the kids and they feel like their very foundation was being ripped out from underneath them. Again, my W got upset and told me she would figure something out. At this point I was a bit frustrated and I called my daughter on her phone and told her I would be there in 15 minutes to pick her up.
When i got to my W's apt my daughter was much calmer. My W joked with me that she was doing her hair because my D told her I didn't know how to do it and her mom needs to show me. This was the first time that I walked inside of her apt and it KILLED ME!!! Seeing our old furniture mixed in with new stuff all around the place....it seemed reality hit me pretty hard.
I probably shouldn't have said anything about how the kids were feeling, but for goodness sake...making it sound like the kids are trying to control us is ridiculous. Whether or not she wants to admit it the kids are hurting....BAD. She may think I'm pursuing...but at this point, I don't care. I'm not going to punish my kid for trying to get her way, when all she is doing is letting out her emotions the only way she knows how. There are times that we do need to keep them in check...but, denying that this is hurting them is wrong...wrong...wrong.
So, what do I do next time? I was trying to keep my kids' well-being in mind. Any advice is welcome. I don't want to be perceived as pursuing or making her feel guilty or bad. But....
I got suckered. I thought things were looking up a bit because my wife was being nice. I knew in the back of my mind it meant nothing, but I was hopeful. She made it clear that she is still planning on staying away. I think I did pretty good controlling my emotions...but I'm sure i have room to improve.
This is where I could use Sandi2's advice (or anyone really). What the heck is she thinking? Why is she suddenly being nice? Is she really that happy to be away from me? Sometimes it just feels so hopeless...which is par for the course I suppose. I read in DR that we need to be on the lookout for signs that we are on the right track with what we are doing. I think her being nice and washing my shirt, then offering to drop it off by my house is some sort of indication that I might be on the right track. I know that my expectations are off, but seeing her so adamant about staying away is sobering. This obviously makes things confusing for our (or my) poor little male brain. Are these really signs that I'm on the track? Was saying what I said about the kids hurting a bad thing? I wanted her to understand it's not a power play being used by the kids. I don't want to push her further away, but these are my kids. I do think that I should let the kids stay at her place so she can see for herself the effect this is having on the kids...but, I don't want to use my kids as a pawn in this twisted game. Plus, she's my little girl and I can't stand to see her cry. However, if I keep taking the kids then aren't I enabling my wife or protecting her from having to deal with the choices she made?
Thanks again everyone...One last question...any suggestions on how to keep the peaks (with her being nice) and valleys from being so extreme? I'm really trying to keep busy, but still....
