I can't move forward and it's driving me nuts

[AntoniaB]

Ok I've got to post this because this is a watershed moment for me and I want to share this with all of you.

I don't know how long this feeling will last, but if it doesn't, I know it will come back, because it is here so clearly today.

I AM HAPPY.

I have had moments here and there of happiness, but there has always been this core of self-blame and feeling of being stuck and an "I'll never ever in a million years get over this and be ok again," and I do believe that if you picture my emotional balance as a see-saw, and on the left is my pain, and on the right is my moving on, that the see-saw has tilted to the right and come down to touch the ground.

It's not that it might not swing back from time to time, but there is momentum to push it to the "moving on" side.

I have said many times that when we have a rough period we usually hit a growth period, and this is abundantly true. For me, I think it's because the rough period pushes me into action. When I was most desperate, I had to come up with something to change my pattern.

I did.

I contacted XH over the storm. We have had several email or text interactions that have been fine, and I have been able to read anything he says with neutrality or detached amusement. For the first time, I can interact with him if need be and I can be ok with it and not obsess over it. This is huge for me.

I also contacted a mother of a friend who I knew went through a divorce too and her XH cheated on her. I just had dinner with her. Total stranger. We talked 3 hours. She is a lovely, amazing person. We will be friends. We will help each other. I reached out, and there she was. She is going to help involve me in some community groups which will get me GALing more than my usual, and meeting new people.

I am taking a meditation class tomorrow. Again. I reached out to a coworker I barely knew and told him that I was suffering. He said he was too. He formed this group to help people in the area to come together to meditate to alleviate our own and others' suffering, and to try to teach us all to be mindful and present.

I am going to see my naturopath this week. I intend to ask her if I can "give back" for all that she has given me by helping her write a periodic newsletter for her patients. I feel strongly about her approach to wellness and I want to help her get the word out. I write--this is what I do--and I can help her.

I worked in my yard today on hurricane clean up. In the past, I was angry for the work I had to do that I thought XH left me with. Know what I said to him on an email? I said, "I have a lot of cleanup to do, but it will be good exercise and get me out in the sun in the cooler weather."

Today I put 2 hours in with hard work and never resented one second of it. I was happy to do it.

There are two things I did unconsciously that I think worked:

One, I acted "as if." Sure in my head I harbored feelings of anger towards XH. But I thought I have a choice. I can legitimze that anger by making a snarky remark about how he should be here to help, or I can say that the hard work does me good. When I said the latter, it became my reality.

Two, I finally looked the heck outside MYSELF. When I asked my friend's mom to dinner, I did it for me but I also did it for HER. I thought I could help her feel like she wasn't alone by telling her my story. In person. And in talking to my coworker who is eager to get a group going, who will be let down if no one shows up, I cared about HIM enough to say I want to support you.

When I looked outside myself, it was like I suddenly could say look, Antonia, you're an amazing person. He made his choices. It doesn't have to ruin your life. You can still have a life. You can have a BETTER life now that you are so much more in tune with who you are and not codependent on him for happiness.

In short, I think I just forgave myself and got over the hump.

I suddenly feel like my self-esteem is significantly better than it has been all along. I'm not looking at his choice of OW as "oh she is better than me." NOW, I know that isn't true. I have a TON of accomplishments and things to be proud of.

THAT is what is important. And add to that my ability to survive the worst pain I ever could have conceived of and gotten to the point where I could care MORE for other people's feelings than my own? Boy, do I ever rock ;-)

And you know, I know that this feeling is probably not going to be constant, and I'm going to slide back from time to time, but I'm here right now and the peace I feel is just wonderful.

You guys were ALL right. Everything said to me in advice was true. It's awesome :-)