@JS I agree with you. I don't think my w did it to intentionally hurt me. I did think she did this to dominate and control.. whether that is fear or what. But then again.. dominating and controlling is what abusers do.
I don't think she will label it as "abuse" either. Most abusers don't. I won't lie that I wish she did see it.. but I'm trying to let it go. Like you said it's about me knowing how it made me feel and how to change it for better r's in the future.
In regards to Goals? There are a ton of them. All of them fall under the umbrella of "getting back Val" The happy one who loved others, herself and life. Each day I see her more.. each day I look in the mirror and say. "There you are.. I missed you so much".
These include:
1) Being positive in work and in life. 2) Being understanding of others and their perspectives. Agree to disagree when appropriate but understand that no one is 100% right or wrong. 3) Love others. Love the people I like, Love the people I am angry with. Not because they deserve it but because God loves us when we are so unlovable (I've said that a # of times, I just love it) 4) Actually there are alot of things about God that I want to emulate. Grace, Forgiveness, Kindess, Mercy.. so I guess I want to live a life where people see God in me. 5) Love myself. Realize that I am worth it. 6) Understand that my life isn't mine. God truly knows what's best for me. I need to have faith.
In regards to W specifically. These are much smaller.
1) I want to be able to dress how I want w/o caring. Wear that dress that kills! 2) Soften the sting of her words. Not everything should say should kill my self esteem. 3) Don't have a panic attack every time she emails me/contacts me. 4) Not get devastated or surprised every time she acts selfish. 5) Recognize sooner when she is being dominating and controlling and stop it. 6) Show her grace, compassion, and love no matter how much she pushes my buttons. But to understand that those things aren't being a doormat. 7) Most importantly, I want to change the dynamic of our relationship. I want to change my part of it. I'm sure 1-5 plays into that and there is so much more. I want to take away her power over me.
How do I measure progress? I don't know specifically.. I just see my life getting better. I see love bringing me closer to friends and family. I see my positivity bringing me more work. Better work. He!! I even see it with my w. Maybe I could measure it a little better. I just see change and think "hey.. it's working! I am changing!"
The thing is I'm pretty sure that once D is final, we won't talk for awhile. I could actually see us never talking again. She's a runner. While she is in my life, I will continue to get better. Once she is gone, I will continue to get better.
I love the advice about negating what is frustrating me. And building a house that withstands your w's rage. Something for me to think about as well.
Good stuff JS. I truly appreciate you in my life.
P.S. When did you live in SoCal and what part?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
