New to the forum.

[Lonely in SLC]

The last couple of weeks I have just been posting updates on what is going on with my situation without sharing my feelings. I feel like it might be necessary to sort through what I am feeling now.

The best way to explain my feelings is just a foggy numbness. This might just be a defensive mechanism to stop the pain that I felt in the past. I have stopped crying, and just seem to be living day to day. Maybe I am afraid at this moment to analyze things anymore. Maybe I am just to tired.

I recently bought some cpu games that I never bought during the marriage due to not having enough time and knowing it would bother the wife. Now, I seem to have a lot more time on my hands. They help to pass the time when I am alone. Then again, maybe it is just to help numb the senses for now.

I do believe that it is time to evaluate the situation. I seem to look at things from a lot of angles, but for now lets just put them into two buckets, negative & positive.

Negative - I still cannot believe that I am now divorced. I am still angry and disappointed with myself. I cannot believe how fast everything has been. It was just February when we celebrated both her birthday and Valentines day. I thought this year I had done my best ever to make sure that she enjoyed both. Now......we are divorced.

I also catch myself getting frustrated with my Heavenly Father. I have been taught that nothing is more sacred than the family, and here mine is in ruins. I know that this way of thinking does not help, but it creeps into my mind at times.

Do I have the energy to continue fighting. I feel my relationship with the XW is progressing, but I know that it will still take a lot of time. How much patience can I endure. She still yells at me for the smallest things and seems to be unwilling to change this. I have been patient, but at what point and how do I tell her or show her that this behavior is unacceptable.

I have also noticed other changes that bother me. She seems to be a lot more egotistical. Before she did everything for me and the kids. Now......she seems to love hanging around her best friend. She seems to eager to give me the kids every weekend, not that I mind having them, it is just the attitude of pawning them off on me to hang out with her friend. Hell, before, we could never go out alone because she never trusted anyone to watch the kids.

She will be going to Chile to see a sick sister in about three weeks. Rather than taking one of the kids with her, the boys have not been to see that side of their family since they were 1 years old, she pays $1,700.00 for her friend to go with her.

She has also started back up with her witchcraft pagan stuff that she gave up before we ever met, and is definitely against "our" religion. I say "our" because she has apparently given that up to.

Positives - We have a good relationship right now that I believe many on this board would be envious of. I remember just a few short months ago how bad it hurt when my W could not even look at me with fear and hatred in her eyes. This is a lot more enjoyable than before.

I don't believe that she has had any PA with anyone despite what I thought earlier. I could be wrong, I just don't feel that I am. If she starts one now, it will hurt, but I guess it would not be considered being unfaithful now that we are divorced.

My Father in Heaven has never let me down. I do still believe that my XW and I will get back together.

Sorry if it seems that I am rambling. I just wanted to explore all of the many feelings that are bottled up. I still feel the numbness as stated earlier.

Any advice right now would be much appreciated. I feel like I don't have any plan of action, just living day to day.