I calmly asked her who is Calos. She said it was friend at work who was having problems because his wife and son had been deported back to Mexico - I told her to stop treating me like a 5 year old, that it's inapropriate for guys to be texting someone's wife at 10:30 at night. She said she sometimes talks to him as a friend about us - great, some guy with his wife out of the picture is talking to my wife about our relationship. Am I jealous - of course I am, she can't talk to me but she can talk to some guy at work.
Own this. See if there was truth behind it? What can you do to change this dynamic?
Originally Posted By: NYCPeter
We then talked about us - I asked her whether she was glad I was living under the same roof so that we can work on things, she said yes. She talked alot I validated - she said she has noticed changes in me, but never expected them. She has shut down our relationship and that she doesn't know how to or whether she wants to restart it again. She said if she was going to change it would take time and again reiterated that she doesn't know if she wants to change.
Her seeing changes is a GOOD thing.. no matter her decision. Keep them up.
As for her reiterating that she doesn't know if she wants to change. That's fear on her part... and please understand even if you keep up the good work, it is HER place to take away HER fear. Make it as safe as possible for her to do so but realize the ball is completely in her court when it comes to dealing with HER issues.
Originally Posted By: NYCPeter
I said we had to have boundaries and I only have two (and these are my true boundaries) - 1. If a third party was to come into our relationship that it would be the end, no matter what else happens. Really? To me that's the same is saying "If you do x, this is it" You've taken away the possibility of your heart changing, her heart changing, and if your spiritual God changing the situation.. It seems very limiting and honestly.. something you can't hold to be true.
2. That if she were to want the relationship to end - she must be honest and say so rather than to keep us in limbo. I want to move forward with my life, I don't want to stay like this.
That's pressure NYC. Of course we want answers. None of us want to live in limbo and Lord knows there will be days that we just want it to end. You can't make your w be honest with you. You have to let that go.
Hmm.
My first take is that these boundaries were not to protect you but to make sure she knew what she could and couldn't do. It's so easy for us to mix up the two because in a way we are stating "by setting up this boundary, I am stopping you from doing x". But the boundary is for US not THEM, even though they will be affected. I hope that makes sense.
I struggle with setting boundaries with my w all the time. I struggle with those feelings too. So trust me when I say.. I GET IT!
I'm not saying to put up with infidelity or to be in limbo forever at all. I'm just saying to make sure that your boundaries are 100% for your emotional well being and not to "show your w a lesson"
In regards to the Carlos text message. You said you are jealous. You fear she is reaching out to someone else. Again how can you change it??
Maybe this would be a good time to do an 180. If it's true, and Carlos has lost his family.. he must be hurting so bad. Instead of feeling jealous about what YOU aren't getting, maybe show empathy for what HE is feeling.
If it's more than that.. you can't stop it. But it sure does make it harder on w if you are showing compassion and love instead of justifying her fears.
Hang in there Peter. This is hard stuff, but you'll be stronger in the end.
(( ))
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
