Had a great weekend. Good bonding time with Dad and Brother. Minimal contact with W….just a few texts about kids and the house. She did send me one asking if I was ok and having fun, asking me to be safe because the kids need their Dad. I did think about her a lot though….but also thought about life without her just as much.
MLC, I know I am at the front edge of this thing. I need to be vigilant and avoid any setbacks at all cost. I think I am getting more capable of this as the days tick by.
I do think I try to mind read somewhat, but a lot of my thoughts are reactions to things that she has told me straight out. She is not entirely forthright right now but she is steadfastly honest. Occasionally we will have a talk and she will divulge her thoughts to me. I do understand that she realizes what she is doing to our family and I need to fight my instincts to keep reminding her of it. Only upsets her and makes me the target/cause of negative feelings.
On the fathering front, I have been a good father. She would tell you that herself. I have taken it up a notch though recently. Instead of letting the kids play by themselves, I now interact directly with them more. I spend more time talking to them not just giving them orders. I have been taking them more places (camping, beach, museums, etc.). I don’t brag about this as I know it upsets her. I am working for myself right now so my schedule is much more flexible than hers and she feels slighted by my ability to spend time with them. It’s during one of these discussions that I told her I am trying to spend as much time with and show them as much love as possible. It seems to me that her thoughts regarding this are very selfish. I would hope she’d see that it’s best for the kids. She’s keeping score on it.
I have had deep set emotional issues my entire life. I now see that there are probably two reasons why. First, my parents divorce when I was 11 or so. Secondly, I grew up in a family that didn’t show much love. It was there and we all knew it was, but it was not expressed. Still isn’t. We never talked about feelings or serious issues. We just talked about events, what was going on at the moment, when we were going to do next weekend, etc. I never learned to express what I felt. I feel very good that I now see the importance of doing so and I feel even better that I have allowed myself to be vulnerable to several friends and family members for the first time in my life (maybe too much at times!!).
My W did feel that I pushed away emotionally. I now see that I did as well. That realization is what caused me to forgive her. She knows that what she was doing was wrong. She simply won’t admit it to me. I know this sounds like another mind read, but she told me at the time I discovered her emails that she planned to “end it”. Why would she end it if it wasn’t wrong? She crossed the line and she knows it in her heart. Admitting wrongdoing to me at this point is just about impossible for at this point though. I am the cause of all bad things in her eyes at the moment.
Here’s a quick recap of her EA: She reconnected with him about a year ago after a young family member died unexpectedly and had an almost orgasmic response to his presence. She tried to meet up with him again but he refused (she told him it “wasn’t for sex”….mentioning the word to a man is not good). He told her he wasn’t a home wrecker. They texted for several months and had a few phone calls. No physical meetings at all. We went on a trip to Mexico and he asked if she found her “spark” in our relationship and she told him no. He told her details about cheating on his wife when they were separated.
I found two emails she sent to him on the same day in December (I found them in Jan). The first was her telling him we were fighting again. She was going to be thinking about him on Christmas so she was going to have to call him (this makes me sick). She feels trapped and wants to be happy, etc. The second was telling him the only things she couldn’t lose were her job and her kids and that she didn’t think she’s lose them based on our state laws. She told him it was ok for him to respond… basically begged him to.
We then saw him at a public event and she was trying to make eye contact/get his attention right in front of me…actually looking over my shoulder.
Bottom line, she was pursuing him. I do give him credit for not acting but also fault him for not cutting her off more abruptly especially after I sent him a note.
I appreciate that perspective of your experience. I think there are a lot of similarities. I think I have done a pretty good job seeing things from her perspective. I actually feel that I am currently where she was last year. My wife has pushed me away and my eyes are now open to the possibility of being with someone else. The door is open but do I want to step through….
I am focusing on myself and the kids as much as possible. I am going to the Y quite a bit and have met a few people there. I am going to start reconnecting with old friends and hope create new networks. I need to be patient and vigilant.
