Treading water - time and patience

[NYCPeter]

Huge backslide for me last night.

The W and I were watching TV on the couch and her phone is on the kitchen counter, I go into kitchen to get some wine and I see she received a text from Carlos - no idea who Carlos is and why he would be texting her at 10:30.

I calmly asked her who is Calos. She said it was friend at work who was having problems because his wife and son had been deported back to Mexico - I told her to stop treating me like a 5 year old, that it's inapropriate for guys to be texting someone's wife at 10:30 at night. She said she sometimes talks to him as a friend about us - great, some guy with his wife out of the picture is talking to my wife about our relationship. Am I jealous - of course I am, she can't talk to me but she can talk to some guy at work.

We then talked about us - I asked her whether she was glad I was living under the same roof so that we can work on things, she said yes. She talked alot I validated - she said she has noticed changes in me, but never expected them. She has shut down our relationship and that she doesn't know how to or whether she wants to restart it again. She said if she was going to change it would take time and again reiterated that she doesn't know if she wants to change.

I told her I would always be here for her and the girls - that if she feels I am acting inappropriately or need to do something that she needs to speak up. She said this has nothing to do with me, it's whether she can change. She just wants to be happy and she is not sure she can be with me. That there is too much history and that she can't forget how bad our marraige was,

I said we had to have boundaries and I only have two (and these are my true boundaries) -
1. If a third party was to come into our relationship that it would be the end, no matter what else happens.
2. That if she were to want the relationship to end - she must be honest and say so rather than to keep us in limbo. I want to move forward with my life, I don't want to stay like this.

We were scheduled to go to MC on Thurs - I told her we need to re-schedule as we won't be here - I asked if next Thurs was fine, she said I suppose it's the best that we go again (hardly a glowing endoresment) and that we should have gone a couple of years ago and that it may now be too late. I said it's never too late snd she said she's not sure of that.

We ended it with a hug - nothing more, not sure if this has made me hopeful or fearful.