Do what I can but still have questions 3

[soccerwife]

H was is a super bad mood last night. He was watching MTV VMA's, which is out of character for him, and continuously texting. I don't like hiphop music so rather than complain about the show we were watchingor the fact that he was ignoring me anyway, I went to bed. He came up a half hour later, turned on the light to wake me up, and complained, "So are we ever going to talk about this or are you just going to avoid me forever?"

I told him that I will not start a D conversation and I am not avoiding him, I just didn't like the show. So I followed him downstairs and said if he wants to talk, he can tell me anything and I will listen. He complained that he wanted to have a discussion and I said I don't have anything further to say, so he started getting p'd that I don't care about his happiness and feelings (basically, we are right back to he wants me to initiate D to make him happy, WTF?)

To de-escalate the situation, I decided to try something new... I approached this as he is suffering from depression and an empty love tank. I started with some words of affirmation. Then I gave him a massage. By the time I noticed he was getting tired, he was more rexaled, less angry, and I could go to bed without any D conversation. I was very proud of myself.

Unfortunately, he was grumpy again this morning and refused our goodbye kiss ritual.

Thank God I have MC today.

[soccerwife]

I just read an article about supporting a Spouse through MLC.
http://www.ehow.com/how_5334356_keep-during-partners-midlife-crisis.html

It fits well with DB.

[soccerwife]

I totally f'd up last night. I wasn't feeling well when I got home and H started in on how I won't talk to him about D. I kept saying I wasnt ready to talk and didn't feel well and he kept going with how his feelings don't matter. He said that I am the one with the communication problem because I refuse to talk about D. (This is untrue, I told him that we can talk about D, but I will never start the conversation, he can say anything he wants and I wil listen but at this point I have said all I need to say about it.)

One thing lead to another and I completely blew up. I did EVERYTHING wrong. I yelled, screamed, cried, begged, pleaded, followed him abour the house. I forgot everything DB I had worked on for the last month. I tried to appologize this morning but it didn't work.

However, in my moments of rage last night, I may have actually said some things to H that finally sunk in and made him realize how he has been acting.

I told him that forcing me to mutually agree to D was just an attempt to excape the consequences of his actions. That he doesn't want to look like the bad guy in front of friends and family and that he doesn't want to give up financial comfort, so he wants to stay living here yet have a single life. I told him that he is actually the one who has communication problems and he is just simply afraid to explore inside himself to find out WHY he is so miserable. That blaming my for his misery and then saying that I am perfect and can't fix anything is not going to cut it any longer. I told him that there has to be a reason and that I want to be there for him to find out what it is, but I will never compromise my morals by permitting divorce.

This morning, I got a txt this morning that H is willing to go to MC one more time! I must have said something that sunk in.

[InAPickle]

Hmm.

The anti-DB technique.

Proceed with caution.

I told my XW I would not "cooperate" in her desire for D.

Bitch filed !

[soccerwife]

Anti-DB for sure, but it was unitentional. I wanted to DB but I was so tired, wasn't feeling well, and he just kept going at me saying I didn't care about him. He even started crying. I am SO sick of him saying I make him miserable but him not being able to eplain why. I just all came out of me.

He threatened that he will have to do it all on his own if I won't help him. Well, I personally doubt that he will ever do it because he doesn't have the balls, dough, or time. And that is just fine with me. I guess we call that BBP? I WILL NOT enable his mistake!

[aeolianchaos]

e just kept going at me saying I didn't care about him.

What is this about?

Does he believe he cares about you?

Does he believe his actions demonstrate that?

I think this is a really good place to begin establishing a boundary - specifically him using "you don't care about me" accusations as a way to get what he wants. You don't deserve to be manipulated like that.

BBP? Ball Busting Protocol?

[Forrest Gump]

"I wanted to DB but I was so tired, wasn't feeling well, and he just kept going at me saying I didn't care about him."

To a point you should have set a boundary. I expect that this is something that has had an impact on your marriage. Just because you are DB'ing it does not affect the communication issues that have/had existed. DB'ing at its best is being creative in those moments. Saying this is not the time to talk.. and setting a time to do so would be DB'ing. Don't get too hung up that you "failed" it very likely will not have anywhere near the impact you think it did.

"He threatened that he will have to do it all on his own if I won't help him."

Your thoughts on that were spot on. Just be careful that you don't put yourself into a position where you become the one wanting to file. These situations can and will do that to you. Try and create some healthy distance.

[soccerwife]

Chaos, I asked that question and he said he does care about me but he knows he has not been there for me for some time and is sorry about that. He said that is part of the reason he wants out - he can't be there for me and knows I deserve it. I don't understand any of this. He is so confused and refuses to search for the answers, just blames me.

F.G., you are right, I should have had a plan on how to react before I walked through the door. and there were moments (at least a dozen) where my brain told me to leave the room, go to bed, cut off the conversation, but I just kept getting sucked back in by his responses. However, if I hadn't blown up, I don't think he would have agreed to try to figure this out. He will never be able to figure it out on his own and he will ruin our family in the process. I really believe that MC intervention is the only way for him to get past all the *&%( that he has hidden inside over the years.

About me getting into a position where I am the one who wants to file for D...I have noticed that happens on here quite a bit. What is that about? How does that happen? Is it the distancing/detaching? Or is it we just can't handle their baggage anymore and we become too strong, independent, and happy on our own?

[aeolianchaos]

Confusion is a convenient place to hide.

I wouldn't be surprised if he knows a lot more than he lets on.

In the meantime, you being there for yourself is probably a good move.

[soccerwife]

Chaos, ya, I am starting to get some anxiety over his sudden agreement to go to MC. He either took it to heart that I think he needs to do some sole searching or he knows more than he is telling me and wants a safe place to get it out. Either way, I was right (even though it isn't about right/wrong)... he is the one with the problem communicating.

Another alternative, he could have just put on his BBP.

Maybe he realized that he won't be able to D without my approval/help, maybe he is the co-dependent one, maybe he finally sees that D is not the only option and that other options would be cheaper, less painful, less time consuming, and won't hurt the kids or leave either of us lonely. Seems like a win-win to me but some spouses are just so stubborn.

Whatever the case, I should prepare myself for anything.

Maybe he will finally come clean and say there is OW, or maybe he will try to justify that he never wanted to marry me in the first place (he has been trying to hint at this for a couple weeks now). He says I forced him to get engaged.

I got pregnant my first year of college. When our son turned 5, I told H I was ready to get married. He didn't know why we needed to marry and we did argue about it and I said, "there better be a ring under the tree this year." (It is terrible, I know, but I wanted us to be a real family) We did get engaged but didn't marry for another year and a half. And we hardly ever fought. Life was literally perfect as far as I was concerned. I asked him at different points if I forced him to get married and he always said no. Well now he has taken that back and is trying to use it against me. He had plenty of opportunity (5 years) to back out of it if he didn't want to marry so I think it is TOTAL BS.