Just discovered affair please help

[InAPickle]

You know, I can't answer this I really don't know, it has been almost 6 weeks now since this kicked off and I really don't know what my goal is. I still don't know how I feel (other than angry) and I'm wondering if this is normal. I can hardly bare to look H in the eye if I catch him looking at me and when I look at him I feel nothing, no sadness, no love, just emptiness and I'm starting to worry that this is it this time - maybe he's hurt me that little bit too much and wiped my love out - or maybe this is still normal feelings this far into the sitch???? I'd love to know - anyone? - should I still be feeling love for him if I want it to work or is it likely to be clouded by pain and anger? When he left 5 years ago it was so much different - I was so devastated and determined we'd stay together and this time I just feel empty and lost.

Just six weeks in everything you're feeling is normal. That's why I said - time, you need time. You need the time for the emotions to subside a bit and actually think about your goals. The emotions won't go away completely, but there'll be intervals, when you're not bombarded by them and these intervale will get longer and stronger - with time.

But I also wasn't aware this happened five years ago. When we fall victim to the same hurts a second time done by the same individual, that complicates matters. Twice as angry, twice as sad, twice as confused, second guessing ourselves, emotions get so clouded, it can even be numbing. You may think you feel nothing, but you know it's not the emotionally healthy norm is it?

You're going to have to fake it for a while - being in control that is, 'cause if you decide in the future that you want to try and save the M, you don't want to say or do something in the immediate that will screw that all up.

The advice I got at this stage, which helped me personally (and my XW was hell bent on leaving anyway) was to just "STFU". So I avoided confrontations about her A and R talk and I hung out with friends and comiserated a lot but also backslid a lot. Sooner or later, our psyches just can't take any more and the emotional spigot turns off. Trust me, these feelings won't go on indefinately.

Your first goal should be to get to that peaceful place, where you can think and decide what you want. Heal yourself first; worry about the relationship later.