Can I ask: why they dont want to talk about "us?" Is it because of denial or guilt or both or something else?
Tad, they don't want to talk about 'us' because in their mind there is no 'us'. For you to talk to her about your R creates pressure. MLCer's can't take pressure. If they come near and feel pressure they turn and run even farther away.
The bag of fruit and veggies may have been her way of showing appreciation for you leaving 'us' out of the conversation. That is only speculation though, as we'll never know what their intentions are because MLCer's are a confused lot.
MLC takes as long as it takes. There is no way to know how long it will be. One thing is for sure though. It will take long enough for you to turn your attention to yourself and work on those things that stung in what she has said. Not for her, not as a tactic to win her back, but to make you the best Tad you can possibly be.
You're so worried about the divorce, and I understand your fear, that you keep showing her more of the same old Tad that she ran away from. It hasn't worked for you, but you keep doing the same things. That is the definition of insanity, Tad. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I know how crazy this can make us, but we are the only ones that can stop letting it.
You want to know if she thinks of you. Probably, yes. Ask yourself this though. Have you given her a different Tad to think about or the same Tad she ran away from which would keep justifying, in her mind, what she did?
I don't know if you've read any of the 'marriage restoration success stories' that are on this board, it seems there is one similar theme that runs through them. It isn't until the LBS drops the rope all together that the MLCer takes a look back. That sometimes includes a D Tad. Ask yourself what is your W going to see when/if she looks back? Is she going to see a man that has let what happened defeat him or is she going to see a strong, confident (not arrogant) man who moved forward despite what happened?
You are the only one who has the power to change your perspective, Tad. Turn it toward working on you. If your W is determined to get her divorce, there is nothing you can do to stop it. It does not mean that you stop working on you. It doesn't mean that all is lost. It doesn't mean that you'll never love or be loved again. It may even be by your W when she finds herself and finds out the grass wasn't greener. What shape will your lawn be in when she looks back, Tad? That can only happen when you let her go and tend to it for yourself.
You keep asking the same questions and we keep answering the same way. I not sure what you're looking for Tad. Is it hope? That can only come from inside you. You can do nothing and still have hope, but why not let the situation give you gifts as you move forward instead of only despair? We can't give them to you my friend, those are for you to find.
No 2 x 4s on the letter Tad. I understand your need to say what's in your heart. Just keep it for yourself and don't send it because really, there isn't anything in there that your W doesn't already know or will find out eventually. At this point though she will just view it as more of the same. Pressure which piles on to the guilt she already feels, which cause her to turn your words into reasons to run some more.
Leave her to her journey. Your interference will only slow it down. Yours is what you should be focusing on. We will be here to walk beside you as long you want us to be.
