An Apology from my MLC ex-wife

[MHL]

Update......

I was outside when my XW pulled in the driveway with our S11 from his weekend with her.

I walked over and greeted my S11 with a warm hug and we all stood there for a minute chit chatting and my son was eager to get inside and hit the video games before bed, so off he went.

I purposely lingered as I figured this was a good time to acknowledge the letter my XW had sent.

MHL: I got your letter..........I appreciate it, I know that must have been hard for you.

XW: Yes it was hard, there is so much more I want to say but it is hard to put it down on paper because I just don't know why I did what I did. I knew it was bad and I honestly don't know why I did it.

MHL: Well if you would like to sit down and talk sometime I would not mind listening if it will help you.

XW: (She almost responded but got a little choked up and just nodded)

MHL: Well I appreciate the gesture.....it is nice to hear you say that, it lets me know that the person that I knew before is still there. I don't mean that for me but rather for you. I hope that you find your way as you start to deal with this stuff.

XW: I am working on it.........I just did not know or realize what the consequences would be.........I just was not in my right mind.......I don't know why.

MHL: The answers will come in time and it will take some time.....do not rush it. In the beginning of all this people would tell me it would be better in time and that time was my friend, but you can not "know" that until the time has past and you can look back on it. The other thing is that you have to not look for it in any particular time........in fact the "looking for it" prevents it from happening........it will happen when you are not looking for it to happen.

XW: Thank you

MHL: No problem, I am happy that you are taking steps to a better you.

XW: How is D14?

.......at this point we had about 10 minutes of idle chit chat about the kids.....I chose to fill her in on some of the details of our daughter's life and things she is doing. We talked about the upcoming school year and different things........

The whole time I tried to look at her in the face........it is hard, I have trained myself not to do it..........I trained myself well, it is an automatic behavior......it is no different than breathing for me. I don't look her in the face to protect me.

I can remember when I would look her in the eyes everytime we talked so I could catch a glimpse of the person I used to know......now I don't want to see that person.......seeing that person hurts me.

Tonight...........MY WIFE WAS BACK

the alien was no where to be found.

The conversation turned back to the letters........

XW: Did D14 read her letter? Did she say anything?

MHL: Yes, she did read it but she did not say anything, I try not to bring it up unless she does and then I let her lead the conversation........We have not talked about it in a while.

XW: (tears flowing now) I am so sorry, there is so much more I want to say.

MHL: (I am now looking her in the face) Like I said, I can sit down with you anytime if you would like to talk.

XW: Okay (tears flowing)

At that point it is hard to see my XW crying so I moved towards her to give her a hug.

She held me tight for a very long time........I could feel her body shudder as she sobbed in my arms. I just held her......I wanted to tell her that it would all be okay......but I held back.

I let down the walls quite a bit tonight.........I went looking for the box that I had hidden way down inside me..........I did a good job because I did not find it tonight......

I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.


I do know that I am capable of having a more meaningful and "unprotected" conversation with her without getting hurt.

Does not mean that next time I might not trip over that box and spill out my feelings for her.......for tonight it did not happen.

So the hug started to end, I did not let go until she started to, I wanted to be there for her as long as she needed me to be.....standing in my driveway for all the neighbors to see and I vaguely remember some of them being outside at the time.

As we pulled away I did feel the urge to lean in a kiss her on the forehead as I had done so many countless times before.........I am 6'3" and she is 5'5".......forehead kisses are "vertically convenient".......but I again resisted the urge and just pulled away.

XW: I do need to ask you something.

I was not ready for that and I know I had a look of surprise on my face as I was not sure what she was going to say next and also that it was being asked within the context of that very long hug..........

MHL: Can you help me set up this TV at my house/ (tv in her back seat)

Whew!!!! that was close.......I thought that she was going to ask me about my girlfriend or something like that, that I was not prepared for.

I told her that I could set it up on Thursday when she has our S11 b/c I have other things going on the other nights of the week, and she said okay.

I said that I needed to get inside to visit with S11 before bedtime and she said okay. This time she moved towards me for another long tight hug.

I let go first this time and caressed her hair before letting go.

She backed out of the drive way and pulled away much, much slower than she usually does and she was looking at me as I stood in the garage and waved goodbye.

It was clear to me that she did not want to leave.

I strangely felt like I was the WAS and I felt bad for her as she was leaving............that was a little over 2 hours ago.......I can't help but wonder if she is in pain right now, much like I was when the roles were reversed.

I know that sounds vindictive but the thought is actually empathetic........I know that pain........while I know that it will be difficult for her...........

I also know that through her suffering she will grow.........

and hopefully find happiness.

I have never hoped for her to find happiness before tonight.......I have actually thought of her being mesirable the rest of her life.........that is gone.

I think I may have forgiven her tonight.

Much to think on.........

Cheers