Regretful and not sure how to proceed

[In_Shock]

Hello all,

I've been lurking a while and I have to say, this site is amazing for giving one hope and real practical advice. I hesitated a little before posting because while my sitch is SO much the same as so many of yours, I am one of those in a same sex relationship. Honestly, the issues are for the most part exactly the same - especially emotionally.

My SO dropped the bomb on me June 18, 2011 after 13 years together. Just so you know, there has been no abuse of any sort, no substance abuse (neither of us so much as smokes, no PAs, and I was/am absolutely devastated. I read some of Michelle's book at Barnes and Noble, and purchased it because it made more sense than what I was doing....the typical begging, pleading, crying. Over and over.

It's a fairly complicated story, as all are when trying to break down a relationship of over a decade down into a concise post - but she basically says she is done with me. She wants this relationship to be over. Why? We've had some problems over the years - I had a 4 year period where I got extremely religious and although we stayed together, she tells me she felt abandoned by me -- and has trouble trusting me due to that. I came out of that religious stuff in 2005, but she says the hurt is still there.

Then she says I have been controlling throughout the years - she felt as if she could not have friends. She felt as if I was trying to control her --- and in thinking back, I can see her point. I called a lot, asked her a lot of questions, and I would not always react happily when I found she had been hanging out with people without me. Part of that problem is that I'm actually quite shy, and always wanted to kind of piggy back on her friends instead of having to find my own. I see now what I did. Honestly did not see it at the time. I needed to grow. So that is what I've been doing.

Another part of that was she always told me I never 'listened' to her. I then started asking 'how is your day?" Tell me about this person, that event, etc.... Now I see my effort to show my interest was read as controlling or nosy. My mistake. I own it all.

She had an EA once about 3 months after we adopted our S4. She dropped that when it seemed to get serious -- and told me she was just trying to get the emotional connection from someone who was very much like me. But she stopped it to save her family...

THat is the other problem. She has said I am too intellectual and not emotional enough. (I'm a college professor - it comes with the territory i suppose) so for years I've been working on my emotional growth. She's told me she has seen great changes over the past 4 years. But she doesn't like that I need reassurance. Hey, i want reassurance to make sure our relationship is getting on track. BUT I worked so hard the past four years after S4 was adopted that she many times told me to quit trying so hard to please her. That was what I wanted to do though, so I didn't HEAR her.

Now we are separated but living together because of our son. She seems to be in an EA wiht another woman -- they text for hours and hours every night. It tears my heart out. I want to save my marriage and be a family. Help!!!!