I've been feeling the stress bubbling up in my all afternoon but I've been sweeping it aside and acting "as if" I'm fine and cool.
The kids enjoyed the movie but were not so good for me on the way out. D didn't want to hold my hand in the parking lot (which is a rule, there are cars whipping about!) and I had to hold her hand by the wrist and drag her back to the car, screaming at the top of her lungs. Buckled her into her car seat, informed her that I was not very happy with her not listening and had to listen to her scream "IDON'TLOVEYOU! IDON'TLOVEYOU! IDON'TLOVEYOU!" for about fifteen minutes in the back seat.
I started to tear up... I know it was just a four year old fit but my mind started to whisper it to me in my husband's voice at the same time.
Stop thinking like that. I chased those thoughts away.
We had two stops to make. One at the grocery store and one at the hardware store. D calmed down enough that I figured I could get my stuff at the grocery store. However, by the time I finished, my S was now acting out. With a 5 year old boy's temper and a keen interest in pushing the envelope.
I was just not in the mood....
By the time I got them both out to the car my heart was beating a mile a minute and the tears were streaming down my face.
Decided not to go to the hardware store. I can't take another stop. I have to go home.
Then I remembered that I told H that it was okay if he came home tonight to hang out. It usually is. In fact, I celebrate every night he wants to stay at home instead of at K's house.
I didn't want him home tonight. My head and heart hurt. I'm crying too much. I just can't handle him on top of it. I wouldn't be able to do any DBing... my strong front would be transparent.
So.. I text him and it went like this:
Me: Not having such a great afternoon... Feeling kind of low. It's up to you but if you don't want to come home tonight I understand.
Him: What's up... why?
Me: Just emotional and a little stressed.
Him: Oh... okay. Well, now I'm not sure what to do.
Me: You can stay at K's house again. It's up to you. The door is always open to you. I just can't promise that I won't cry tonight.
Him: You know that I don't know what to do to handle you. It's very egg shell. Can you tell me why you are not doing good.
(I don't respond.)
Him: K, I'll tell you what. I had some time tonight and I wanted to come over but instead I will do so tomorrow. Take care of yourself. I'll see if it's cool if I bum supper off of K.
Me: Okay.
And that's where it ended.
I cried quite heartily after that conversation. I've never asked him (even tho' I did it somewhat passive-agressively) *not* to come back over before. I've never actively chased him off. It felt awful.
But the alternative would be to have him over here, glaring uncomfortably at me with crossed arms... wishing he was anywhere else except in the same room with me while I'm "like this". That would be worse.
