Oh jb, I am definitely always preparing for a pull-back which probably explains my constant anxiety. I almost think it's worse when things are going well because anticipating another bomb is horribly unnerving too.
Anyway, a few positives to report this morning... but I'm still only cautiously optimistic.
H and I were alone in the house last night (as the kids are still at their Grandfather's). We prepared dinner together and enjoyed it on the patio, but the conversation wasn't the most pleasant as we talked a lot about some family issues that have bothered both of us over the years. Specifically, his sister and her selfish behaviour.
He admitted that he had given up on her recently which is why he rarely spoke to her anymore. But he thanked me for making an effort with her over the years and added that he appreciated that I had done my best to nurture that relationship. We also talked about how some family members seemed to have drifted apart since his mother died, and that it was unfortunate and sad. It felt positive in the sense that H seemed to be attempting to talk more openly about "issues" and feelings, even those that don't pertain directly to our R. And that it was him that brought up the unpleasant conversation.
This morning after breakfast he asked if I would mind if he went fishing before he picked up the kids. The question caught me off caught, and I replied that he didn't need my permission if he wanted to go fishing. He said he knew that but that he had decided to come home yesterday from his Dad's, even though it would have been nice to spend more time with him because he was concerned about me and didn't want me to feel anxious or alone. Again, I was left speechless (a rarity for me). He then told me that he wanted to hear my thoughts about this, and to not worry about expressing myself perfectly.
I said, "Honestly, even when you're here, I feel anxious, but I don't want you to spend time with me out of obligation or guilt. I want you to spend time with me only if it's what you truly want to do." He said that in the past he hasn't wanted to at times, but now he does, but that he understands that it's going to be hard and uncomfortable at times because it's a process, and because we haven't been close for a long time. Then he asked for a hug.
