The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

[Denver_2010]

Anyhow, I know I'm backsliding a bit. I'm trying to find a balance between letting W 'chase' me, letting her know I'm 'safe' to talk to, keeping the road home smooth and paved and making sure that I take care of myself first. In many ways, it was easier when I went dark on her.

LP - I completely, completely understand this. I have been living it since April.

Listen... my advice, is to STRICTLY stick to doing what has worked and let your W come to you.

My #1 mistake was shifting from doing what was working to doing what I thought would make W happy... and I did this when she and I began to have frequent contact and began discussing the possibility of reconciliation.

Don't make the same mistake.

BITS
Denver

[LearningPatience]

Kinda sukks when we're best known as a cautionary tale, eh Denver :-)

All in all great advice. I think my head is still a little ahead of my heart. Maybe not by much, but still in the lead.

[LearningPatience]

I just got an email from a friend who was at the bar with us last night (there were probably 12 or so in our group). I think this kinds sums everything up for me:

E:
Last night was weird. You guys left and (friend) asked what was going on. Some very unkind things were said about W. I guess the consensus is that they both need to just go away.

Really, how can you stand it?

Me:
I assumed (friend) knew (generally) what was going on. Guess not, eh?

I have very mixed feelings about a lot of things.

Just about everyone I know (including some of her family) has lost respect for W. Despite this, many of these same people actively invite and do things with W and OM. That strikes me as somewhat hypocritical. Sometimes that hurts.

I went through a very angry period around late spring where I wanted W to suffer as much as or more than I was. That's when I had to give her the no contact letter that I did, mainly so that I could give myself a timeout. Now, I've (mostly) got over that anger. There's still pain, but there's also compassion and caring for her.

How can I stand it? Well...

I think it's semi-common knowledge that I grew up with an alcoholic abusive father and a cold unemotional mother. My childhood was messssssed up I suffered depression and suicidal feelings from the time I was 6. Yet... I still managed to have some fun, some great memories, some great friends and turn into a pretty fine young man. More importantly, I harbor no ill will toward the people who treated me poorly. I'm good at forgiveness. That doesn't mean I've forgotten things, but I've moved on.

That is where I expect to get with W. Now, there are two ways of forgiveness. Forgiveness with love, and forgiveness with indifference. When my dad died, I really didn't care one way or another. I had forgiven him with indifference. Only time will tell how I end up forgiving W.

This whole experience has given me a wake up call of sorts. It has forced me to examine some deep seated thought patterns that I've had and realize where I need to change and grow. Still, I wish there was a less painful way to do it. There's no doubt that this experience has been the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

W and I have started going to a marriage counselor. Her stated reason was to improve communication between us, no matter what happens (which we need). She has said more than once that she leans more towards divorce than reconciliation, and she has spoken with a lawyer. But... she hasn't gone through with it yet.

I do sense mixed feelings within her. One of the last things she told me before I moved into my apartment was that she feared that she'd want me to move back in and I'd have already moved on. She also told the counselor that OM probably has stronger feelings for her than she does for him.

All in all, I do still love her more than you can imagine. It would be very difficult to reconcile, but I think it would be worth it in the end. And if it doesn't happen, then we move on.

So, a very long answer to a very short question

[2stepboogie]

Your friend is still scratching his head trying to figure out what you are talking about.

Don’t know if I would have texted the BF anything although I know the temptation is very strong. It is hard to explain the whole concept of moving on without looking for signs from W that they are turning.

Stay the course one way or another you will be just fine

[LearningPatience]

Your friend is still scratching his head trying to figure out what you are talking about.

Heh, she might be. She used to be one of W's best friends but has told me before that W and OM 'disgust her.' We've had several discussions about her, all initiated by friend, just filling in some gaps I guess.
Then again, I don't know *myself* what I'm talking about half the time.

Don’t know if I would have texted the BF anything although I know the temptation is very strong. It is hard to explain the whole concept of moving on without looking for signs from W that they are turning.

I *could* blame the two large beers, but they didn't pour themselves down my throat. I did succumb to temptation there, I *think* I got it out of my system.

Stay the course one way or another you will be just fine

Thanks, I believe so too!

[LearningPatience]

Hi again faithful readers (to steal from Stephen King)! Nothing of paramount importance since last I wrote, but lots of little thoughts cluttering my little Pooh brain...

Spent Friday morning/afternoon emailing friend mentioned above. We discussed some revenge fantasies I had. She thinks I'm pure evil, which I took as a complement in this case. Just describing them ensured I would never do them, to my benefit.

Friday night took kids to dinner with MIL for S14 (now 15) birthday. MIL had a really sweet card for him. This helped cement the notion that no matter what happens between W and I, I *will* keep the rest of her family. They're mine now! Mwahahah

Finished watching Lost with the boys Friday night. It was something nice to bond with them over. Immediately after, S12 asked if we could watch it again, starting at season 1, "so I can figure out what's going on" (if you've seen it, you'd know what he was saying:)

Saturday was S15's actual bday, but he's at grandparents. Ran 12 miles in the morning with running partner, mostly just the two of us. Getting to know her better. She's been D for two years now, mentioned to her I was in a 'transitional period'. She knows I was married once, haven't mentioned current W directly. Seems awkward, but I suppose I should let her know at some point. Not like I'm going to ask her out. Probably. We'll see...

W has sent a few random, probably unnecessary texts over the past couple of days. Asked what kind of gift card to get for S15 yesterday (better late than never). last night, she was at a concert (Whitesnake) and I got a text after asking where they were from. Not to read too much into it, but if she were with OM, he'd have known that. Responded with one word reply after about an hour (England), and she replied almost instantly that she never knew that so many bands she liked were from there. Um, ok. Today, she asked what days I had my boys. No idea why, but I let her know.

This morning, had solo session with MC. OMG, this lady gets it! Went over FOO issues, transitioning into dynamics between W and I. She sees lots of control issues with W, self esteem issues, and so on. She seemed to get right to the heart of the matter quickly. I think that no matter what happens, this MC is going to be great to work with, either individually or jointly.

Just got invited to movie tonight with friends. Interesting that they left off W and OM from the invite. They're often included, but even my single friends are getting fed up. Of course, I said I'd go.

Finally, getting excited for first road trip in new car! Driving to CO on Thursday/Friday, just have to get through the first part of the week. Can't wait...

[Telemark]

Sounds like you're in a good place, LP. whatever you're doing, keep doing it.

Whitesnake is still around????

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm trying to remember songs from that band. I always get them confused with Great White.

LP-it sounds like your doing pretty good. My only concern is why on earth would you want to run for 12 miles. That does not sound like a good time. Are you sure you haven't fallen and hit your head?

I had brunch with a gentleman today and he knows I am divorced also but not about my current situation, and I don't know if I should have brought it up. When is the right time?

[LearningPatience]

TM/DG, yeah, I think I'm in a good place generally. Life is nowhere near perfect, but I can usually focus on the good. Or at least the absurd.

I find it funny that W is into the 80s pop/hair/metal bands now. I still don't think she could distinguish between them without a clue, but whatever. Seems to make her happy.

DG, the problem *wasn't* the 12 miles yesterday. Good company, good scenery (riverside, parks and downtown). The problem was the 4 miles today. My body asking why the hell I was doing this, stiff legs and sore back screaming at me. That's what advil and a glass of wine afterward is for!

Also, I'll tell you when the right time is when I figure it out for myself

Found out the reason W has been texting was to ask to take the boys and I out for ice cream for S15s birthday. That's a nice gesture, unless he objects I think we'll take her up on it.

Time to wind down now... GAL can take a lot out of a person

[jbnati]

LP, I'm glad you're focusing on the positives. I would agree, it sounds like you're in a good place.

My only concern is why on earth would you want to run for 12 miles. That does not sound like a good time.

DG, I beg to differ. I'm envious. But then I'm a little crazy, too. I think my body would rebel way too much for me to run 12 miles. LP - 12 miles and running with a female running partner - You 'da man!