I can't move forward and it's driving me nuts

[AntoniaB]

Well the hurricane has put us back into contact via email and text message. He began it by telling the intermediary he was worried about me and to tell me to leave town. Then I emailed him directly, which I haven't done since March when I blocked his emails and texts, and I said look, my "rule" of no contact seems silly when there are real emergencies around. I told him I was concerned for his safety (he lives at the beach) and hoped he was leaving, but that I was staying (I'm inland) and preparing. We wrote back and forth a few times about what I could do. He told it would be scary; I said I know. Then he went north to a friend's house about 3 hours or more from where he lives.

This a.m. he sent me a text "Is everyone ok?" (meaning me and all the pets). I didn't know who it was at first as I took his phone contact out of my phone! So then it turned into almost an hour of text messages. At some point I said "you can call if you want to but maybe it would make you uncomfortable." He said "it wouldn't be a good time for me to call." (I'm sure OW is with him).

Of course, she would have to know who he was texting for an hour unless he lied and said it was a family member.

Anyway, towards the end, he said "we have things to talk about.Now is not a good time. Can I email you later."

Now you KNOW what my head did. You know what I was thinking. And you know I was thinking WRONG and setting myself up for stuff ;-) So I said "is this about the retirement money? I will call tomorrow." (the last loose end of the divorce is retirement money that goes to him from me and the company didn't transfer the funds yet). He says back, "Yeah. Just make sure they don't shelve it." So then I said "they can't. There is a qdro. You're guaranteed that money soon. I only get my half if you die or retire ;-)"

He said back "you get 150k if I die. That's a lot ;-)"

And then I said something that I truly meant that I hope establishes on some level between us that I am moving on. I said, "I'd rather you be alive than get the money that way. Honest."

Anyway, what all this means is that I guess he and I are treading into a cordial contact that didn't exist before, and it doesn't mean anything other than that, but in a way I think this is a test FOR ME that I MUST FACE.

To me, part of my getting over this and accepting his life is not hiding from it or hiding from him. That doesn't mean that I am trying to be his friend, or wanting to meet OW or anything. (shudder!) What it means is that the longer I hide from what's going on by just blocking his life and him from me, the more I feel like I do not progress at all with my own life, if that makes any sense.

I also feel like as long as I block him entirely, he thinks that I am not GALing or moving past him, and that I'm holed up here crying over losing him.

EVEN IF I AM crying over losing him anymore, and even though what HE thinks doesn't matter, I almost think that if HE thinks I'm still a victim, on some level, I still treat myself like one.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like the way to stop being a victim is to come to terms with him, which I do by being able to FACE him, via email or phone. Face him and still be ok.

So I hope that my exchange with him today is a part of that. I am not taking anything away from our communication other than one, it is nice to know he still cares ON SOME LEVEL for me and the pets and our home, and two, I took the opportunity when it came my way to be a better and stronger person than I was and face him.

My test is to make sure I make no more of this than that.