Back when the bomb was first dropped 4 years ago, I was blaming myself for everything. And someone wrote this to me. It was a great help. I just found it and thought I would pass it along.
The marriage was 50/50. The affair and/or wanting to end the marriage is 100% theirs. Nothing you are or did can CAUSE a person to lie or cheat. People have a choice in how they deal with problems in life and in relationships. For instance, if you have money problems, you can choose to get a better job, live cheaper, spend less or rob a bank at gun point.
By saying you were depressed, you are taking the blame for everything. Sorry, only half is you, the rest is your h’s. His choices, his reactions, his way of treating you all count. The marriage was half his job, not all yours. Your half is yours, his half is his. Good idea to fix your half by working on you, but make sure it's your half you are fixing – not his.
The affair is his. It is a decision he made in which he decided to take care of himself only – regardless of the pain it would cause you. It was HIS choice to solve problems in this way. He had other choices and did not take them….he robbed the bank at gun point. Not a great method of problem solving, but maybe the best he could do. Now he has to deal with that, Its not your fault. You didn’t make the decision for him. He did.
Taking responsibility is NOT the same as taking blame. Blame is about right and wrong and is based on the idea that we are in some way the CAUSE of others actions. We are NOT. Responsibility says, I am responsible for my actions and the consequences of my actions only. I do not and cannot control others; therefore their actions are not my fault or my responsibility. Other people are responsible for themselves. Let them be....it is healthy for them and for you.
