I'd like to start journaling... just to get some of this out. It's really tempting to start going over the past two months when things slid downhill but I'll just start with the present.
Last night I surprised him by arranging my mom to come over for a babysitting and we went out for dinner and a movie. It was both pleasant and awkward and trying to remember some DB techniques, I tried to err more towards pleasant than awkward.
In the movie he noticed that I was extremely fidgety and asked if I wanted to hold his hand. I responded "Yes.. but I'm afraid to ask for it." He reached out and we held hands for about ten minutes. I nearly cried but held it back. Crying around him always does me no good.
Got home and I was exhausted. I'm always tired in the evenings (the kids get up at 7am or earlier) and the anti-depressants I've started taking make me very sleepy. We live in a one bedroom house (the kids share the bedroom) so there really is no escaping each other. I folded out the hideabed and crawled under the covers while he messaged on the computer with his friends, one of whom was K. Both he and K are night owls and if he's not over at her place and night then they txt each other until about 1 or 2 in the morning.
I walked over to give him a friendly squeeze goodnight, being careful not to be over affectionate and noticed that the last thing K said to him was "I miss u so much." I nearly started crying and he noticed it right away.
Argument started. Argument meaning him being frustrated with the way I'm acting. He hates it when I cry but he's the first to admit that he's very impatient and wonders when I'll stop crying about all of this. We patched it up fairly quickly and for the first time in a few weeks he surprised me by crawling into bed next to me and cuddling me from behind.
I didn't ask why.. I didn't even count it as progress. I was just grateful for the contact and let it stay at that.
In the morning I threw up but that's hardly unusual. When I'm stressed, I get what my mother calls a "nervous stomach" in the mornings. It always goes away in about an hour or so and then I'm able to put down some breakfast and start the day. It's a little worse night now with the medication (bleh) in that it's taking me longer to recover from my morning stress stomach.
He looked alarmed, asked me if I was sick and I responded that I wasn't.. and explained it to him.
He got quiet. He stopped looking at me. He started doing all the things that he usually does when he get upset.. gets very quiet... starts cleaning things, short clipped tone of voice and of course.... complete denial that he's upset. Today was my day to go to work and his day with the kids so I hugged them all goodbye and was determined to put up a brave "you being upset is not going to make me upset" front. I did pretty good with it this time.
On the drive to work, reflecting, I realized that when he saw me working through my nervous stomach this morning he felt the same way he feels when he see's me cry. Frustrated that I'm doing this to myself (because as he points out "Your happiness should not be dependent on anyone else") and mostly (by his own admission) guilty. Guilty for what he's done to me and how it's changed me and broken me. And when he feels guilty he feels like a sack of poop. And he withdraws...
I can hide some of the sadness and put on a brave front when he's around during the day. I can't hide vomiting in the morning.
We exchanged brief texts for the first part of the morning. Mostly about his plans for taking the kids to the park (I expect to have a play date with K's little boy but whatever..) and I asked him if he could do a favor for me and make sure that DS got his medicine (for a rash) that I forgot to give him this morning before I left. He said he would do it and I threw out a friendly, non-affectionate "Thanks, you're the best" as my response. His response was "No problem and no I'm not".
I feel like that confirmed my suspicious that seeing my morning stress puke made him feel like a heel again and brought back some of that good old self-loathing. The more I inspire guilt in him, the more he withdraws.
I didn't text him for the rest of the morning but when I had to leave for my lunch break I did send him a note letting him know I was stepping away... only because he mentioned that maybe the kids and him would swing by work. (I wasn't holding my breath but I was hoping)... His responses were short and clipped again but he let me know that he had taken the kids to the playground. I cut off the conversation myself with "Cool. Have fun with them!"
And here I am... at work. Reading the stories on DB.com and writing one of my own.
I should make note that altho' I am the primary caregiver and mostly stay at home mom of my two beautiful babes, I did pick up a job that has me out of the house two days a week, no more. One full day and one evening only. The kids don't like it.. lol... when DS hugged me goodbye this morning he complained "Why do you always have to go to work?" I said "Honey.. I don't go to work very often.. just a little bit. The rest of the time I'm with you." And I encouraged them to be good for Daddy and listen to him.
Thanks for letting me journal here.. I plan on doing this alot more often and getting some of what's churning my gut out. I hope to get lots of input and some advise even.. let me know where I can apply the 37 rules and whatnot... I need all the help I can get.
