I totally understand why you're finding this painful/unsettling. Those pics are going to potentially open old wounds.
My 2 cents on what's going on? I remember before you said that he was treating your son as if no time had passed since his crisis began, almost a picking up where things left off in his interactions with him. I suspect that is what's going on here too. We all describe what they're in as a fog and the literature that gives the MLCers' perspective supports that. I would guess he is somewhat emerging from his fog and under this impression that if he picks up the threads of what he does remember of the past, that this will create a feeling of stability for him. This might also explain the emails to you where he is bringing up music or other things from your past.
The problem, of course, is that while he was in his fog, your life changed drastically, and you remember ALL of it. You also have become a very different person. Maybe he has, maybe he hasn't.
If he is making you sound like you're the one with the instability, look, he is projecting AGAIN, just about something different than he might have years ago when he was blaming you for marital problems and not shouldering any blame himself.
It sounds like he wants his way out of the tunnel, but he still resorts to his old patterns, because he hasn't done any work to break them or learn about what makes him tick where you've done nothing BUT that.
I think you're right to be extremely wary of the potential for him to hurt you, so all you can really do is detach, detach, detach and try not to get caught up in his drama. But if he keeps pushing you to "go back", you're going to have to decide if you want to try some sort of "piecing" with him or not and then go from there.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Wise words - and you may be right. He seems to be going back to the summer 6 years ago, when all of this started, maybe. Who knows?
I don't think I want anything from him now. I would like him to work through his crisis and complete his journey, but that is all I am sure about. Definitely not interested in his drama!
An email yesterday to explain that xh internet/phone connection has been fried by lightning my first thought was 'Oh good, a break'] and he then his mobile number in case anyone needed him . . . This from a man who ran as hard and as fast as he could . . . .Then today another email [from the internet cafe] saying he had given people the wrong mobile number. He made a joke about it being a thinly disguised attempt to cut himself of from the world. I really do not get why he is including me in all of this back and forth.
It did cross my mind, frivolously, that if I had done as much damage as my xh I would take a lightning bolt from above very seriously and get my life in order!! But I suppressed that wicked thought!
So not as crazy as Brooklyn's sh but still pretty odd.
Update - just when you think it is safe to breathe . . .
Xh has been acting nice for 4 months now, and we have even talked on the phone, and then last night . . .
As part of the financial settlement I get half of a fund of my xh. Was warned it might take a while to transfer, but after 6 months I contacted the fund, and turns out they had not received the paperwork from the Court. So I send my copy of the agreement [this all takes time btw] and that isn't enough. My lawyer had put all of my papers in deep store, and it is actually the Court and xh lawyer's responsibility to send the papers. So I talk to the nice lady at the fund, and `I give her xh's lawyers' contact details, and they say no problem , just need to check with xh if we can send the papers over, and he says "no'. WTF
It is so stupid, all I needed to do was contact my lawyer, who gave a deep sigh, and said 'how unbelievably stupid and petty,' and she has arranged for the papers to be retrieved and sent over to the financial institution.
This isn't a favour he is doing me - and no email or explanation to me, although I got a friendly email about an article he had written, sent a few hours after he knew I would have found out about his refusal . . . .
Why do they do this stupid stuff? I will get the money,maybe a day later. So easy to say yes, . . . .
They are crazy, still crazy.
i have decided to ignore it though, as I suspect he is trying to get some kind of reaction . . . . just a hunch, but actually, good people, I have a life, and do not need this stupid stuff, and the people who do it.
Beatrice, I'm so sorry that he said no. In his mind, he thinks that you are asking him to do something for you that is monetary. It doesn't matter whether it can be done tomorrow or next week....it's called control. Yes, he wants a reaction from you so that he can have an excuse to say "see...that's all she wanted was my money". So sad.
He's not baked yet and it's going to be a while longer. Just remember, in his mind, the street travels one way...his way. It is not a two way street yet.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Snodderly - thank you. I do believe he is getting more and more erratic. The cycling of moods that I see, and I don't have that much contact, is much more marked - more like it was right at the outset.
Having refused a simple request, politely framed, from a third party, asking for normal levels of co-operation,he then sends me a long and interesting email about an article he has read . . . . . If I had just been so unhelpful to someone I would not, with an hour or so, be sending them a nice email . . ..
I have heard that 8/9 months post divorce it starts to hit them that this hasn't actually solved their problems either . . . . But only he can do that, and meanwhile, my life is getting better and better.
Snodderly - thank you. I do believe he is getting more and more erratic. The cycling of moods that I see, and I don't have that much contact, is much more marked - more like it was right at the outset.
You will see the most confusion at the beginning and end of the tunnel when they see the light. So I agree with snodderly that he is not baked yet but closer to the end than to the start.
Beatrice, you were talking about pleasers on my thread. Seems to me your XH is exhibiting some of that here--on one hand he's being the other type of MLCer, the distant/cold/even angry one with the absurd thing he's doing over this situation. But it's like he's separating it in his mind from the long email he wrote to you. It's like 'look mom I did a bad thing, I'm a big boy!! But don't be mad, please?" I don't even think this sort of thing is a regression to teenager behavior. I think it's a regression to CHILDHOOD behavior.
In the midst of mine talking nicely to me, he also is steadfastly angry that my retirement company is going to make him have an acct with them so they can roll the money from mine into his to equalize the amounts. No, he wants my company to go against the IRS rules and just transfer before you're allowed to without penalty into his retirement company--and sure you can do that for a 20% penalty. But no: he got a lawyer. Therefore he should get what he wants. All this means is that he will have money in a second retirement account. He doesn't have to lift a finger to manage it and I think they charge a whopping 12 dollars a year to manage it for him. It's the dumbest thing in the world to cry over, but he's crying ;-)
They're nuts. They really are. You're on the right path, though.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Beatrice, Stay the course. Right now, he's emotionally all over the place and until he lands and stays put, he's going to be erratic.
He wants you in the picture, but at arm's length and he sure doesn't want anyone to tell him what he should or shouldn't be doing.
You are doing well...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
