Need Advice, Encouragement or Whatever (long)

[aeolianchaos]

Thats good that you have the DBing book. I would really keep pondering what MWD proposes in there.

A lot of it comes from SFBT, which is where the 'solutions-based' aspect of all this stuff is coming from. Make sure you are clear w/ your goals. Be sure that you understand what the idea of the 'first sign that something is different' would be. Be sure to give things time and then re-evaluate and refine.

However, there is a deeper level to it, which is the concept that you need to take care of your emotional and cognitive well being.

Self-soothing is a good word for it.

Some of this comes from 'detachment' - which is kind of like consciously acknowledging and accepting that you're emotions and happiness aren't attached to another person. Even if you love them. Even if you've married them.

In fact, you do them a big favor by not allowing that illusion to seduce you into conversations you really don't want to have.

The more you can stop linking "contentment" with "Marriage to this person" the less you will have those compelling urges to have conversations that lead you further away from what you have identified as goals.

Most of us on here are smart - I'd guess there is a self-selective bias to the kinds of people who are here and stick around. We all probably grasp a lot of this stuff quickly - but it's in seeing through our own blind spots and recognizing the myriad ways that our fears and illusions lead us to act counter-productively or just plain old suffer - and choosing to act differently. I think thats where some real change happens.

If she needs to talk to you about bills, talk to her about bills. Don't talk to her about the marriage, past transgressions, etc.. keep it about bills, be pleasant. Just bills.