Too Tired To Fight

[Valeska19]

So the emotional abuse. It started from the very beginning. I was from PA, her from NJ. The first thing that she noticed.. I talked funny. She thought it was best for her to "correct my english".

Then my w was overweight up until joining OA a year ago. I have always been skinny. She would tell me I was too skinny. Then when I gained 35 lbs from quitting smoking, she told me that she liked me skinnier. Since the s, I'm back to being skinny. Never tells me I look nice. Just that I'm too skinny.

I am a big fan of eating breakfast for dinner.. especially cereal. I was made to feel guilty. That's not what adults eat. If I wasn't hungry when she was, man was I in trouble. If I wanted something small for dinner "that wasn't a real meal". If she didn't eat, she got super grumpy.

I couldn't wear flannel. It made me look to butch.
I had to grow my hair out for the wedding. She'd didn't want me to look like a guy in our wedding photos.

If we went out and something happened that upset me. For example, a bird had pooped on my new fedora and a woman was hogging the sink the bathroom. I was very upset as I had crap everywhere on me. My w told me not to embarrass her.

I wouldn't say I'm a knockout, but when I dress girly.. alot of guys hit on me. She thought everyone had a crush on me. She actually told me she liked me better with no make-up. I don't remember when I stopped dressing feminine. I started again. Her comment "I bet your mom is happy you are dressing girly again. My mom never cared how I dressed. She just wishes I was straight.

I couldn't go out or have friends without feeling fear. I remember I would tell her about advice I would get from friends and she would say "I'm telling you the same thing, but you only listen to x". I started swing with my guy best friend recently. Her comment "you better be careful. You are probably stopping x from getting a girlfriend cause you are always dancing with him". That was after she called him my b/f because I had on make-up and called us "domestic" because he was cooking dinner for us.

Certain clothes I wore looked dumb, but when I dressed sexy, she never said anything.

I took jobs but she hated when I was on one.

Biggest thing was when I had feelings. Feelings about wanting to address our big issues. She would get very cold with me.. as if my feelings didn't matter. (Very much what she does now). I remember crying out, and getting nothing. I tried expressing my fears and wants so much that when she didn't listen we would eventually have a big fight every couple of months. When we did, she wouldn't talk to me. Nothing I could say or do could break down the wall.

I'm just scared of her. I felt like I was always on eggshells. I felt ugly and worthless. I felt like I wasn't good enough for her. It was horrible. What's even worse. I still struggle with all of that even now.

There were moments right before our separation that she would tell me. "It's sad really, I never gave you enough credit". While we were separating she said "I'm scared that I will make a mistake, and that it will be you that will thrive from this separation. That you will realize that I have held you back. I realize that you encourage me to try new things and do things together, I just never did".

And the thing is 25, she's right. I am thriving from this separation. The amount of work has gone up. I have stronger connection with friends, I am more positive and more loving.. and this pisses her off. She was like "Now you are getting work, having friends, going to church". She has openly admitted to being jealous and angry about that.. numerous times.

As for her feeling like she is worthless. Her dad was out of her life until she was 18. Her mom.. taught her how to be unemotional available. Always trying to make her skinnier, never ending self- help books. Told her that the only reason she was with me.. was because I could look past her weight. And the list goes on and on. My w desperately wants to be good enough for her mom. Desperately wants a r with her, but can't have it.

My w turned 31 on July 30th. She had told me that she didn't want me in her life... so I didn't call. But neither did her mom, her dad, or her gram. She said she cried and felt rage for 2 hrs.

My w ate instead of feeling. We had such good communication from December up until our separation. She admitted to manipulating me to get what she wanted or using me to hide behind her fears. Afraid to have friends because isn't worthy of a friendship. Not opening up to me, because she didn't want to be weak. She said she felt worthless.

It was sad but great because for the first time, I was understanding her. We grew really close. She said that our communication was amazing and that she thought that we may have a chance because of it.

I don't know what happened in the last 4 months. Other than she started looking at herself and got scared. Too much to handle perhaps. She said she wanted to start therapy... she didn't. She has told me repeatedly that she doesn't want to deal with me or any other big fish right now.

What can I do??

Even writing this now, my heart aches for her. I want to take away the pain, tell her that she is worth so much. I loved her every minute we were together. I love her still. I wish I could save her.. but I can't. Only God can.

I know she is angry at me. Yes I understand why she feels entitled. Yes I understand her anger. I want to work it out.. but I can't. She has to forgive me. I can't make her!

Yes I'm making more money now so we could afford a house and kid. Do I make what she makes.. no, but it would be enough.

She has the most awesome job here (she loves where her career is heading), and she has found OA. I'm not sure she still hold it against me.. or if she just doesn't want me to be happy.

I say she is sick because she is an addict. The same way I am sick because I am co-dependent. We are a toxic relationship. I know that now and am doing everything in my power to change that dynamic.. but she still tries to keep it the same. I wish every day it was different because I know in my heart it could be great. I see potential in us, but it is not my reality.