I've got 54 days to receive a miracle.

[25yearsmlc]

Hello everyone.

Thanks for the comments. I have an interesting (or atleast I think so) update, but I will respond to the comments first.

From what I can tell, everyone is saying that I should not even contact her on our anniversary. This will be tough. I'm afraid that she may take it wrong. I do like the suggestion from 25yearsmlc though. I know that I am supposed to be working on me, but my ultimate goal is still to save my marriage

Do both! As you've been told countless times, saving yourself first IS NECESSARY to saving your m. You aren't your own man without her? What is it you will bring to the table like that? (not much) you are repeating the mistakes by forgetting this essentaial and basic premise.


and I want to be very careful so I don't screw anything up. I've made enough mistakes already.

But I can see what a 180 it would be for you to NOT reach out.

This is where I am confused. If there is nothing we can do to help the MLCer right now and help them along their journey, what good is a 180 anyways?

To be a better man...isn't that YOUR reason? Jesus, have all these changes been tactics?

From where I sit, you focus far too much energy on what your w is doing or thinking or said or might have felt. That hurts you in 2 ways. It's negative for sure. Lots of mind reading, negatively usually, and spiralling with worry.

I won't argue with this statement at all. I still feel like this whole thing is consuming me....especially the last few days. I just don't know why.

I sense you are pursuing enough that any move or contact by you, will be seen as pursuit even if it's not.

I agree 25, but I also feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

How are your GAL things going? And what are your 180s vis a vis your w?

I've been looking at some apartments to possibly rent once I get some money rolling in. I've also looked into taking some college courses after the first of the year. I've been doing my best to treat W so much better without bringing things up and really trying to be a friend. It is just so hard when she hardly talks to me.


I also worry though that if I am nice and Mr. Friendly, that she may think that all of this is okay. It is NOT okay.


That's^^^ just silly. it's an excuse you want to use so you can run after her some more. Stop it. She KNOWS it's not 'okay" with you b/c you've reminded her and the world with your pain and your neediness and clinging to her and obessing and talking about her to others and reading into every single thing she does...

So Using your logic, you should always mope around muttering angrily so SHE KNOWS about YOUR PAIN...how attractive.

But dear Lord, "what if...what if mopey pathetic Tad GAL???? What if he became a fun loving happy man to be around???

Oh how ugly. He must never have loved her at all---he must be OKAY with her being gone b/c he's only moped for many months but turns out he IS capable of a life or interest or hobby or some any happiness or laughter without her... Gee, it's So ugly to see happy strong confident men..

Um Do you see how absurd your "logic" is?

Stop justifying the pursuit.

You got a baby step yesterday. Be happy about that!


You know, I'm glad you brought that comment she made about me not treating HER different up ---. I've thought about our last few interactions and she's right....same old me....bringing things up....getting upset.....blah blah blah. I need to change this.

Then do NOT push yourself to be around her any time soon. You are not ready. This is more of the same old..you want to put a nail in the coffin?? Don't push this.

You think you have 53 days waiting for a miracle to save your m, as if there's No hope once a paper is signed...

but there'a s lot of permanent damage you can do in that 53 day time that could prevent a remarriage. (I have 2 family members who remarried their exes-I have a big family-it happens)



Well....I'll try to explain. She said that she loved me, but wasn't in love with me. She said that I chipped away at her love for so many years. ----When she left, she TOLD me that she just wanted to seperate for a while to think about things. But......she says because I didn't give her the time and space she needed in December when she moved out, she decided to file. She is right about this too. I did all of the wrong things...begging, pleading, arguing, crying, contacting her all of the time....you name the mistake and I did it.

See above comment. You seem to be itching to repeat a mistake. Back off.

Can you honestly say you Have fully, bravely assessed what her complaints were, and "owned" the ones you ought to own (that means changing those behaviors, not just admitting them)?

I can't say it with 100% honesty, but I am getting there.

*** NOW FOR THE UPDATE ***

The last 2 days have been really rough for me. For some reason, I've been thinking about W alot and wondering how to handle our anniversary. I've missed her terribly.

I've also thought that she has seemed slightly different lately, but I can't put my finger on exactly what it is. Wish I could.

Elsewhere you said she was distant and cold. Just noting...

This evening after I had been home from work for about 30 minutes, I get the following text from W:

W: "How is your job going?"

M: "It is kicking my a$$, but I like it[b]. I would love to tell you about it sometime soon whenever we have the chance."

I hate that you said this knowing it is pursuit. Weak...Or arrogant about DBing b/c no matter what # of times we say or who says it, you pursue b/c your vast experience has taught you...what? To act on your emotional needs when you have them??

The fact that she continued the conversation does NOT change my mind. It's like congratulating you on surviving your jump off the bridge w/o a chute...silly rookie mistake that didn't kill you.


W: "What is wrong with now?"

M: "Too much via text."

W: "Can you not tell me about it now? You can call."

----SHE HASN'T EVEN WANTED TO TALK TO ME ON THE PHONE IN NEARLY A YEAR.----

M: "Okay. Give me a second."[/b]

So......I waited about ten minutes and then called her. We had a great conversation that lasted nearly an hour. (53 minutes to be exact.) We talked about my job, her job, she expressed concern for my knees and my bad shoulder, we talked about our boys, we joked about our "agreement" that says when she will pick up S16 on the weekends, we talked about her schooling, she told me how broke she was and how busy she has been. More importantly though, we did NOT talk about us.

At the end of the conversation, I didn't tell her that I loved her even though I wanted to so badly. Thank God for that.

I simply thanked her for talking to me and told her that I would see her Sunday.
Why would you thank her? Can't you say "nice talking to you" and hang up? Why THANK her? Do you see that it sounds...sorry, but, grovelling up the scraps. Not real attractive. .

I almost got the feeling that she wanted to say something, but she didn't.

Sorry but maybe she wanted to say "don't read into this"...she had a pleasant conversation with you. I'm glad. Read nothing else into this...at all...for now.

It was almost like I was talking to the old W again. But again, I still worry that if I'm nice to her, she may get the impression that I am okay with things. I am NOT. I want to save my marriage.

After talking to her though, I felt happy, sad and confused. Honestly, I don't really know what to feel.

Please tell me what to do next.

What does that question even mean?
"Do" about what? The talk?

Tad, Do Nothing but GAL and live well, be a man only a fool would leave.

Thanks for everything.

Tad

Tad, it IS a positive, okay? But why can't you leave it at that, til if and when there is more?
She knows where you live and how to reach you...back off...savor the nice positive and go have a great weekend!