I've got 54 days to receive a miracle.

[AntoniaB]

I had similar lovely conversations with my XH in December, 6 or so months post-bomb. They were so good I was like, huh? Why are we not together? Then he just walked away. Again.

It might mean something. Chances are it does not. We've all seen this before.

It's lonely to be "them." They want to continue to be our BFFs. Cake-eating.

I think your best bet is to tell yourself every time you start thinking "what if this means..." to STOP. Visualize a stop sign or something. I forget who gave me that advice. You can't read her mind. You think you can, because you've known her all these years. But you can't read it anymore because she is so altered.

I'm not saying be negative. I'm saying be NEUTRAL.

As an aside, your knowing that it was 53 min. exactly and then relating it to us means you're really putting a lot of expectations on the whole thing.

As someone who overblows expectations ALL the time, try to curb that. You'll always have a letdown. When was the last time someone on this board had expectations that were MET? I don't remember it ever happening.

As everyone says, the first anniv. is really bad. Here's what I did, and I'll be brutally honest.

My XH did contact me and give me this whole "I shouldn't contact you because it will hurt you, but if I don't, that will hurt you, so I'm damned either way, so I'm contacting you to say I hope you have your family around you." (i.e. he knew he was the bad guy and that text was totally self-serving AND he said the bit about family around me as he knew I was suicidal when he left. I mean, seriously suicidal.).

Later when he did NOT receive a reply from me, he emailed my sister to ask if I had done anything destructive. He thought I was cutting my wrists. Seriously. She told him to leave me alone.

I found out about this months later.

When I got his text, I became so enraged, so white-hot angry AND bawling, that I turned on my XBOX 360, hooked up my mic stand, and I sang, at the top of my lungs, Foo Fighters "Best of You."

Then, the storm passed. There are all sorts of ways to weather it. If you do end up with contact, and it hurts you badly, you have the board, the alt, or music ;-) Use accordingly.