Need Advice, Encouragement or Whatever (long)

[aeolianchaos]

I think you could have said less.

Saying "I'm not trying to.." and then doing things that feel like you're trying to... how do you think that comes across to her?

Talking about your changes -- most likely won't register too well.

As to why she says what she says -- I think we all learn this at some point on this board, but don't hitch your emotions or thoughts to her words.

[check 1]

I think you could have said less.

Saying "I'm not trying to.." and then doing things that feel like you're trying to... how do you think that comes across to her?

Talking about your changes -- most likely won't register too well.

I think you're right. I was worried that I said too much.

Sometimes this divorce situation seems like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. Other times I feel like rotting away on the inside. I thought I knew what it meant to be patient...it's been a week and it feels like it's been forever. One minute I feel like I don't want her back and then I feel like I would do anything to get her to come home. I'm sure I'm not saying anything that hasn't been felt by each and every person on this forum.

She is needing to talk to me about bills, etc. How should I approach that? We CAN get along with each other really well, which I think is why I felt liberated to say what I said. Any advice on how not to get suckered into a situation like the one I just went through? The only solution that I see is to keep all communication strictly text and email. Is this recommended?

i've read the db book and i think i have a decent grasp of what it is saying. sometimes i get blindsided by emotions that i start to second guess myself.

[aeolianchaos]

Thats good that you have the DBing book. I would really keep pondering what MWD proposes in there.

A lot of it comes from SFBT, which is where the 'solutions-based' aspect of all this stuff is coming from. Make sure you are clear w/ your goals. Be sure that you understand what the idea of the 'first sign that something is different' would be. Be sure to give things time and then re-evaluate and refine.

However, there is a deeper level to it, which is the concept that you need to take care of your emotional and cognitive well being.

Self-soothing is a good word for it.

Some of this comes from 'detachment' - which is kind of like consciously acknowledging and accepting that you're emotions and happiness aren't attached to another person. Even if you love them. Even if you've married them.

In fact, you do them a big favor by not allowing that illusion to seduce you into conversations you really don't want to have.

The more you can stop linking "contentment" with "Marriage to this person" the less you will have those compelling urges to have conversations that lead you further away from what you have identified as goals.

Most of us on here are smart - I'd guess there is a self-selective bias to the kinds of people who are here and stick around. We all probably grasp a lot of this stuff quickly - but it's in seeing through our own blind spots and recognizing the myriad ways that our fears and illusions lead us to act counter-productively or just plain old suffer - and choosing to act differently. I think thats where some real change happens.

If she needs to talk to you about bills, talk to her about bills. Don't talk to her about the marriage, past transgressions, etc.. keep it about bills, be pleasant. Just bills.