I've got 54 days to receive a miracle.

[tadpole1025]

Hello everyone.

Thanks for the comments. I have an interesting (or atleast I think so) update, but I will respond to the comments first.

From what I can tell, everyone is saying that I should not even contact her on our anniversary. This will be tough. I'm afraid that she may take it wrong. I do like the suggestion from 25yearsmlc though. I know that I am supposed to be working on me, but my ultimate goal is still to save my marriage and I want to be very careful so I don't screw anything up. I've made enough mistakes already.

But I can see what a 180 it would be for you to NOT reach out.

This is where I am confused. If there is nothing we can do to help the MLCer right now and help them along their journey, what good is a 180 anyways?

From where I sit, you focus far too much energy on what your w is doing or thinking or said or might have felt. That hurts you in 2 ways. It's negative for sure. Lots of mind reading, negatively usually, and spiralling with worry.

I won't argue with this statement at all. I still feel like this whole thing is consuming me....especially the last few days. I just don't know why.

I sense you are pursuing enough that any move or contact by you, will be seen as pursuit even if it's not.

I agree 25, but I also feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

How are your GAL things going? And what are your 180s vis a vis your w?

I've been looking at some apartments to possibly rent once I get some money rolling in. I've also looked into taking some college courses after the first of the year. I've been doing my best to treat W so much better without bringing things up and really trying to be a friend. It is just so hard when she hardly talks to me. I also worry though that if I am nice and Mr. Friendly, that she may think that all of this is okay. It is NOT okay.

Her comment that you don't treat HER differently is telling. Don't gloss over that. It's very useful to know she sees you that way. She may actually believe it so you have to look at what she meant (without asking her of course.)

You know, I'm glad you brought this up because I've been thinking about this a lot. I hate to admit it, but she may be right about this. I've thought about our last few interactions and she's right....same old me....bringing things up....getting upset.....blah blah blah. I need to change this.

I never really got what your wife SAID as to why she wanted a divorce. I recall your perceptions but what did she SAY or what would she tell a stranger she met on the street about why she filed??

Well....I'll try to explain. She said that she loved me, but wasn't in love with me. She said that I chipped away at her love for so many years. Also said that she is done trying because she has been trying for years. (I didn't know this.) When she left, she TOLD me that she just wanted to seperate for a while to think about things. But......she says because I didn't give her the time and space she needed in December when she moved out, she decided to file. She is right about this too. I did all of the wrong things...begging, pleading, arguing, crying, contacting her all of the time....you name the mistake and I did it.

Can you honestly say you Have fully, bravely assessed what her complaints were, and "owned" the ones you ought to own (that means changing those behaviors, not just admitting them)?

I can't say it with 100% honesty, but I am getting there. I really am trying. I just hope that I didn't catch on too late.

*** NOW FOR THE UPDATE ***

The last 2 days have been really rough for me. For some reason, I've been thinking about W alot and wondering how to handle our anniversary. I've missed her terribly.

I've also thought that she has seemed slightly different lately, but I can't put my finger on exactly what it is. Wish I could.

This evening after I had been home from work for about 30 minutes, I get the following text from W:

W: "How is your job going?"

M: "It is kicking my a$$, but I like it. I would love to tell you about it sometime soon whenever we have the chance."

W: "What is wrong with now?"

M: "Too much via text."

W: "Can you not tell me about it now? You can call."

----SHE HASN'T EVEN WANTED TO TALK TO ME ON THE PHONE IN NEARLY A YEAR.----

M: "Okay. Give me a second."

So......I waited about ten minutes and then called her. We had a great conversation that lasted nearly an hour. (53 minutes to be exact.) We talked about my job, her job, she expressed concern for my knees and my bad shoulder, we talked about our boys, we joked about our "agreement" that says when she will pick up S16 on the weekends, we talked about her schooling, she told me how broke she was and how busy she has been. More importantly though, we did NOT talk about us. At the end of the conversation, I didn't tell her that I loved her even though I wanted to so badly. I simply thanked her for talking to me and told her that I would see her Sunday. I almost got the feeling that she wanted to say something, but she didn't.

It was almost like I was talking to the old W again. But again, I still worry that if I'm nice to her, she may get the impression that I am okay with things. I am NOT. I want to save my marriage.

After talking to her though, I felt happy, sad and confused. Honestly, I don't really know what to feel.

Please tell me what to do next.

Thanks for everything.

Tad