Trust me, I do not enjoy having her around. If she wasn't the mother of my children, she'd have been out of here as soon as I had full ownership of the house - job or no job.
This weekend D17 had an episode involving lice. She's been baby sitting this summer for $$ and turns out the kids contracted lice and passed them to her. I come home from church and XW comes in having been to the Rx. First thing out of her mouth is complaint about D17's lice products and feminine products costing forty bucks. I shouldn't have, but I said I just put a hundred bucks in her account for gas. VSV pops up and says that's got nothing to do with this. So I pulled out a twenty and said here's half; then I left.
Pity, don't hate. Pity, don't hate.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
S12, XW and I went to mass yesterday. Felt weird. I couldn't bring myself to offer the sign of peace. Well I looked her way obviously, and S12 was between us. She reached across to my shoulder, but my hands went limp. Can't touch her (or don't want to).
I was praying hard all through mass for Pete and his family, but after communion my thought shifted to my sitch and the loneliness or lack of pleasant female company. But all I got for an answer was "Don't pursue other women, because that would show weakness." I don't know why. Why would that look weak? Because the church says I'm still married? Why would it be important I don't appear weak at this late stage? I just don't don't get it.
But that's okay, I'm not ready for that either.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Perhaps the message of weakness you were receiving wasn't about your W... or other women... But about you... and your faith... Just a thought...
My sitch is a tightrope for sure. The sacrament of matrimony cannot be undone by some earthly judge.
That I struggle to uphold my faith in the face of personal sacrifice may not make me "feel" strong, but merely self righteous and bitter, is the puzzle that begs my question, Why appear strong at all?
Perhaps for my children, friends and family. I certainly have no intention or desire in the present to impress XW.
One thing I neglected to mention earlier that whilst in prayer after communion, though I felt the notion not to "pursue" female company, I almost distinctly heard, "let them pursue you." Which of course I have no control over, and nothing may come of it.
So I got that going for me.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
On the subject of forgiveness, some days I find myself wondering if it's even possible at this stage. The correct answer of course is, "nothing is impossible", at least not at some distant future.
But the truth is, if it were not for my youngest, I would greatly prefer doing what normal divorced couples do and live seperated from XW.
This weekend, as she once again plans a trip out of town, I felt angered and tempted to suggest she leave my house. Surely with no job and using her D proceeds to finance these trips while I pay the rent is like cake eating?
One sided forgiveness may be a fine gift we can give ourselves, but isn't it only made complete by contrition?
It's a hard task. Matt 18:21 - 19:1
Peter approached Jesus and asked him, "Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus answered, "I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times. That is why the Kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the accounting, a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount. Since he had no way of paying it back, his master ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, his children, and all his property, in payment of the debt. At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.' Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan. When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount. He seized him and started to choke him, demanding, 'Pay back what you owe.' Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' But he refused. Instead, he had the fellow servant put in prison until he paid back the debt. Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened, they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master and reported the whole affair. His master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?' Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt. So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives his brother from his heart."
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Haven't journaled in a while, just feeling the urge to pen some thoughts.
It's been nearly three months since the D, and things haven't changed much. XW still looking for a job, although she's moonlighting at a retail consignment shop one day a week.
Although I stopped all pursuing behavior months and months ago XW still seems to be in a "distancing" kind of mode. ie: very little communication, all business, none of the small talk you find reading other sitches. And that's fine, because I do the same thing. Her affair, I suspect is still in full gear as she still follows the Cincy Reds in MLB, which only began when she got involved with OM.
I figure, she's still in justification mode and is consiously trying to not send me any wrong signal. Although I have moved on in my own mind, I guess living together and my not actively chasing any skirts, might look like I'm waiting for her to .... whatever.
Anyway I still sometimes cycle through some bitter feelings and struggle, but I've got to hold it together until my S12 releases the apron strings. XW also seems to be more buddy, buddy with him, probably another manifestation of her guilt for doing what her own mother did to her own 12 year old little brother. The more I think about the past nine months, the more I realize how far from my wedding bride that XW has morphed. (she despised what her mother did) And it is becoming less and less apparent to me that I "could have" seen this coming and contributed any less to her walking away. It still boggles my mind to this day that she never gave me any ultimatums or any chance, that our eighteen years together and our family was not worth saving.
Which brings me to the place I occupy now, wondering whether forgiveness is tied to one's willingness to welcome the prodigal person back. Sure she may never contemplate reconcilation in her future, but can you forgive without leaving the recon door open, 'cause in all honesty, she's got to do some more morphing, before I would ever even consider it. In fact, with every passing day I look more and more forward to the day she leaves my house.
Maybe her presence is just a constant reminder of the pain and anguish, her new found sports interest flaunting her affair in my face, I don't know, but it's so nice when she's not around. I think I'd much rather be "missing" her (even what she has become) than juggling feelings of hate and pity.
Now don't you all go 2x4 on me. This is just a little phase I am dealing with, and a little journal entry.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
After pondering the things I wrote above, I think it is possible to some extent to forgive someone and also let them go (meaning really not wanting them back).
Yesterday was a gentle reminder. Our garage door opener is erratic, sometimes it obays the clicker and/or keypad and other times it just doesn't cooperate. I was getting ready to go for an evening jog, when XW pulls in the drive. She gets out of the car complaining loudly in frustration about the garage door opener not working. I'm just looking at her and shaking my head. Just an example of why it's so nice when she's not around.
So to me forgiveness is not entirely a black and white, all or nothing concept. I can let go of most resentments, but probably not all of them. I'll probably harbor just enough to keep the the door closed for a while, and I'm not ashamed to admit it, because it's perfectly normal to distrust a betrayer. Like I said to InPain in her thread, it's going to take a long goddamed time if ever. I am quite prepared for the "ever" and it is somewhat liberating and even exciting.
Do not fear whatever the future holds, 'cause you just don't know.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
You posted on my thread a while ago and mentioned that you are living with your ex, is that true? I started a thread in "Surviving the Big D" called "Living with you Ex" (I don't know how to put a link in here. I thought it might be helpful for someone who is actually going through this to post their thoughts in there.
For my own benefit, I am going to go through all of your threads in the next couple days. As an effort to get endless and constant DB opportunities, I suggested to my H that we live together if he pursues D and he agreed that would be best for the kinds and financially.
Hope you are doing well, I will read your thread and talk to you more probably.
Me: 32/ H: 32/ S13/ D5 T: 15/ M: 8 Rock bottom: 4/11 ILYB: 5/11, but I knew it at least a yr before Gaining acceptance: 8/11
You must be the change you wish to see. - Mahatma Gandhi
You know I thought about moving over to "Surviving the Big-D". But there's not as much traffic/feedback there.
Living with the XW kinda svcks, but when I look at the faces of my kids, I don't have the stones to tell her to GTFO.
It would certainly be easier if there were no OP involved. Or admittedly, if I were the one with the er "distaction" instead of her.
Jus bein' honest.
I do firmly believe, this will all work itself out in God's time.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
You posted on my thread a while ago and mentioned that you are living with your ex, is that true? I started a thread in "Surviving the Big D" called "Living with you Ex" (I don't know how to put a link in here. I thought it might be helpful for someone who is actually going through this to post their thoughts in there.
For my own benefit, I am going to go through all of your threads in the next couple days. As an effort to get endless and constant DB opportunities, I suggested to my H that we live together if he pursues D and he agreed that would be best for the kinds and financially.
Hope you are doing well, I will read your thread and talk to you more probably.
And BTW it is in "Divorced, But not Done" not "Surviving the Big D"
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Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
