Too Tired To Fight

[Valeska19]

Thanks 25.

As far as backsliding, I'm not sure I am.. but I'm definitely stuck.

It's been a wk since w reached out to me on how she wants to do the mediations. She wants to figure out what to talk about, list them, share the list and then share how we feel everything should be separated.

I just can't seem to answer her. I've written a response, but I just can't hit the send button.

*************
W
Thank you for the proposal.

I agree there is work for each of us to do individually before we meet.

My points of discussion are really broken down into three categories.
1) Our cars
2) Our stuff (including the storage unit)
3) Finances

I understand that "our stuff" is quite broad. I think a list of items is good to have. If you wish to share this list, I am fine with it. It makes sense to me as probably together we can list all of our assets.

In regards to " Once we agree on those, then we could each write what we think should happen with each", It's hard to understand the meaning of this via email. Honestly, I don't think it is my place to say what should happen with each. I know there are things that I would like. I assume the same is true for you. It is not my place to say what I feel you should have. It is my place to listen to what you want and to understand why you want what you are asking for. Then to look at my own items and express what I want and why I am asking. From there, we can negotiate a fair balance. That is mindset I will have going into this mediation.
**************

Urgh I'm not trying to "preach". I just don't agree. I don't want to be the person that feels I'm entitled to everything, her nothing. If I'm honest with myself.. I don't want to deal with that person either.

So much thought going into a single email. So much anxiety and stress. So much emotional chaos. I keep praying to God to give me the strength to handle this, but I'm stuck. Stuck in fear.

I want so desperately to break this cycle... but in some ways it's so safe. If I pacify her, I won't feel her "wrath". I will feel at least a little bit of love. Even though i know it's not real.. I've trained myself that it is better than the alternative.

I keep looking at the fire saying "I know I'll be free once I get to the other side" but the other part says "yeah.. but you're gonna get burned too and it's gonna hurt alot".

I know I must move forward. Because once this is over, the fear will be gone. The anxiety and stress will be removed and my wounds can heal.

Why can I just do it then?

[Telemark]

V...

It's OK to move forward.

Really.

It hurts. But which situation is causing you more pain? And which one would continue to cause pain?

I know how you feel. I am there, also. Right now. As much as it hurts, it's not that "Will this ever end?" feeling. It's weight starting to lift off of you.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks 25.

As far as backsliding, I'm not sure I am.. but I'm definitely stuck.

It's been a wk since w reached out to me on how she wants to do the mediations. She wants to figure out what to talk about, list them, share the list and then share how we feel everything should be separated.

I just can't seem to answer her. I've written a response, but I just can't hit the send button.

*************
W
Thank you for the proposal.

I agree there is work for each of us to do individually before we meet.

My points of discussion are really broken down into three categories.
1) Our cars
2) Our stuff (including the storage unit)
3) Finances

I understand that "our stuff" is quite broad. I think a list of items is good to have. If you wish to share this list, I am fine with it. It makes sense to me as probably together we can list all of our assets.

In regards to " Once we agree on those, then we could each write what we think should happen with each", It's hard to understand the meaning of this via email. I'm unclear about this.


Honestly, I don't think it is my place to say what should happen with each. I know there are things that I would like. I assume the same is true for you. It is not my place to say what I feel you should have. It is my place to listen to what you want and to understand why you want what you are asking for. Then to look at my own items and express what I want and why I am asking. From there, we can negotiate a fair balance. That is mindset I will have going into this mediation. How does that sound?
**************

Urgh I'm not trying to "preach". I just don't agree. I don't want to be the person that feels I'm entitled to everything, her nothing. If I'm honest with myself.. I don't want to deal with that person either.

Val, don't freak. THe letter is fine as is, and I just tweaked it if you want to. But how &where are you suggesting she get nothing and you get it all? I don't see that in your post and I don't feel it from you. What are you talking about? Did you pay for everything? Then again, you were married...so why are you putting yourself into a win lose situation?

You can be fair. You sound fair. What's wrong with that?


So much thought going into a single email. So much anxiety and stress. So much emotional chaos. I keep praying to God to give me the strength to handle this, but I'm stuck. Stuck in fear.

I want so desperately to break this cycle... but in some ways it's so safe. If I pacify her, I won't feel her "wrath". I will feel at least a little bit of love. Even though i know it's not real.. I've trained myself that it is better than the alternative.

ouch Val...you can break the cycle. And Nothing you wrote was crappy or selfish.


I keep looking at the fire saying "I know I'll be free once I get to the other side" but the other part says "yeah.. but you're gonna get burned too and it's gonna hurt alot".

I know I must move forward. Because once this is over, the fear will be gone. The anxiety and stress will be removed and my wounds can heal.

Why can I just do it then?

You can...

[JustStunned]

Val, the how will we split up the stuff is a difficult exercise if either of you let be difficult. You cannot control how she’ll act or react to the drama involved in this. You can refuse to participate in the destructive behaviors.

From my experience it helped me to realize 99.985% of this stuff is just stuff, easily replaced. Part of that came from speaking with a friend who lost everything but what was hastily packed during Katrina. Another part of that was convincing myself we were dividing the business of us. At the time I felt my life was out of control. I needed to separate the emotions of it from the mechanics of it and just execute the mechanics.

We had to provide a list to the L’s of what we were dividing and assign values to the items. The list did not need to be real granular, just contain the major items. To accomplish it we went from room to room with a clip board writing items and assigning a distribution to them. Afterwards I took the list put it in a spreadsheet, looked up values as if we were donating the items to charity. Sorting the list by distribution and totaling the assigned values compares how equitable the split is. So much for mechanics.

There were a few items we disagreed upon. With each I had to decide if this was a hill to die upon. There were a couple I fought for. There were a couple I let go of as graciously as possible. It is just stuff. Keeping myself calm, treating this as business to be dissolved, refusing to participate in the drama, refusing to permit myself to react when prodded, got me through that day. It was exhausting for me, but I think you can make it through with grace.

So much thought going into a single email. So much anxiety and stress. So much emotional chaos. I keep praying to God to give me the strength to handle this, but I'm stuck. Stuck in fear.

God has. You are permitting the drama to wrap you around this axle. Change the setup. I couldn’t visualize us doing this through email. We both needed to be present; I needed to be calm, confident and in control of myself to keep it from escalating; after resolving to be that, it became something to be executed.

I keep looking at the fire saying "I know I'll be free once I get to the other side" but the other part says "yeah.. but you're gonna get burned too and it's gonna hurt alot".

Who is stronger the Val who was, or the Val who is. My money is on the Val who is with us now. Resolve to make it through to the other side you will, and stronger for having been through the fire.

[Valeska19]

@25.
I don't want to be the person that feels I'm entitled to everything, her nothing. If I'm honest with myself.. I don't want to deal with that person either.

It's a two fold comment. One. I am constantly dealing my negativity and frustrations. I don't want to use the word anger. Maybe it's a control thing too. I'm not sure. It's just something I work on. My w has commented on it. She mentioned many times in the last 6 months how I've changed and how she keeps being pleasantly surprised how I don't lash out in her in anger. How I can keep validating her feelings and not say I was right, she was wrong. She said that although she never experienced any of that "anger" when we were together, she saw how I could be with other people and just waited for it to be her turn.

However the day I protected myself financially was the day that all went away. Suddenly I was the vindictive Val full of anger towards her. It didn't matter why I actually did it. This was her perception.

So getting back to point one. I feel I have changed, but I realize I am not perfect and this woman loves to push my buttons. I fear she will make me so angry/hurt that I won't be able to think straight. Don't get me wrong, I understand I am giving her power and control.. thus the fear. She is just soo good at manipulating me to making me feel like crap. It's hard to stop it in the moment.

Point 2) Is that I always make myself out to be equal to her therefore taking the spotlight of her bad traits away from her. In reality it is her that has told me that she is entitled to all the furniture, the better car, and half the savings. When I have mentioned anything about what is fair for me, she gets really angry at me. So that comment was to protect her. Silly huh?

When we moved to LA, she did become the bread-winner. I didn't make crap, but I took at $30k pay cut. That's why I feel she thinks she is entitled. After all.. it's much easier to look at that than to really look at why she is angry with me about it in the first place.

Thank you for the feedback. I know I will send it. The same way I know I will delete her on FB. The same way I know I will stop the abuse. I just can't do it alone or at the speed I want to.

This morning she just got the better of me. I'm in a much better place now.

[25yearsmlc]

@25.
I don't want to be the person that feels I'm entitled to everything, her nothing. If I'm honest with myself.. I don't want to deal with that person either.

It's a two fold comment. --- It's just something I work on.

I heard a t once say "a problem being worked on, isn't a problem anymore."
I like that.

My w has commented on it. She mentioned many times in the last 6 months how I've changed and how she keeps being pleasantly surprised how I don't lash out in her in anger. How I can keep validating her feelings and not say I was right, she was wrong. She said that although she never experienced any of that "anger" when we were together, she saw how I could be with other people and just waited for it to be her turn.

This^^ is all good stuff Val...all of it. Even the "waiting for her turn" b/c it never happened.


However the day I protected myself financially was the day that all went away. Suddenly I was the vindictive Val full of anger towards her. It didn't matter why I actually did it. This was her perception.


BINGO!!! So, let's use exaggeration for illustrative purposes now. If she perceives you as a purple skinned moon worshipping lizard, would that mean anything real to you?

What if her perception was closer to the truth, but still invalid? Ah, there's the rub. What part of her perception is real and what's not? In the example of you protecting yourself financially, for good reason, her perception is not valid. Period. You have to put it in the same category as the purple skin and moon worshipping. When the data isn't real, it's not valid. If it IS valid data, we work on changing it. You have. You are.

So getting back to point one. I feel I have changed, but I realize I am not perfect and this woman loves to push my buttons. I fear she will make me so angry/hurt that I won't be able to think straight. Don't get me wrong, I understand I am giving her power and control.. thus the fear. She is just soo good at manipulating me to making me feel like crap. It's hard to stop it in the moment.

Then Make a plan. You leave before it escalates. Or you limit the time you will discuss this, in advance. Even if you do it internally. That way, it can only go so far. You can get some of this done, and address remaining matters later, after you both have time to sleep on it and consider the others' views.

I cannot imagine any scenario in which ONE session could resolve all this anyhow. Not in a way wherein both parties feel reasonably satisfied, or at least equally dissatisfied.

or Have a friend text you every 30 min if necessary. Use it as an excuse to leave before it escalates. If things are going well, you blow off the text til things are not...

Is this approach as healthy as being able to Not have buttons pushed? Um, no. Is it ideal? No.

But it's way better than you losing it. Give yourself a break. You've been here a lot less time than most, and yet you're way ahead of "schedule" in your progress.

Point 2) Is that I always make myself out to be equal to her therefore taking the spotlight of her bad traits away from her. In reality it is her that has told me that she is entitled to all the furniture, the better car, and half the savings. When I have mentioned anything about what is fair for me, she gets really angry at me. So that comment was to protect her. Silly huh?

Wow...that IS interesting. I have to ponder that. Do you see yourself as "equal" to her NOW? What does that part mean? You focus on your flaws to avoid seeing hers? That's not a bad thing, at times. Usually it's good to simply avoid other's flaws and just working on our own. But seeing reality is important too. How else can you assess what is, and what you want?

When we moved to LA, she did become the bread-winner. I didn't make crap, but I took at $30k pay cut. That's why I feel she thinks she is entitled. After all.. it's much easier to look at that than to really look at why she is angry with me about it in the first place.

Ah, hence the dispute. So in her mind, SHE paid for most of the stuff. In your mind, you made a career sacrifice for the move? Is that the reason you moved? I mean, does she remember this part, you knowingly making less money to accommodate her? That's tricky. Or could be...unless

we just look at the law in California...oh yeah, that. Community property my friend. 50/50...period.

BTW Community property, by definition, does Not include inheritances, (if that applies). But it does include what was earned in the m by each party. Her pay, your pay, your stuff, her stuff, blah blah blah...50/50.


Thank you for the feedback. I know I will send it. The same way I know I will delete her on FB. The same way I know I will stop the abuse. I just can't do it alone or at the speed I want to.

This morning she just got the better of me. I'm in a much better place now.

Good to hear.

And JS, what a lovely post you wrote. It's so wonderful to see others threads helping others, (or us) too. Again. So Well said.

(( ))

[Valeska19]

@ TM - Thanks I will move forward and it will hurt. But in the last 5 months, I know that I NEVER want to go back to that relationship. I NEVER want to be abused again. The sadness I feel that I can't even dye my hair w/o fear or dress how I want. I NEVER want to lose myself again. So yes forward will hurt, but not like the past.

@ JS. You know me so well. As Denver put it, I'm a hamster on a wheel. Only I can control my emotions and actions. Still working on that. But I will try my best to keep my emotions out of it. I think looking at it as a business dissolution is a good way to put it.

To me 95% of it is just stuff. I don't really want anything except what's in my house currently, our wedding photos, and camping gear. I just want 50% of it's worth. Not because I want to hold onto the past with "stuff" but because my car is older and I would like to eventually move into a bigger place. I would like to take my hard earned "past" and use it towards my hard earned "future". If that makes sense.

@25. I could go on forever about the stuff you ask. But you ask questions that make me think and push me forward. I enjoy the challenge to dig deep in myself for the answers.

Do I see myself as equal to her now? For the most part however when I'm around her and she starts her manipulation, I lose that feeling very quickly. So actually no.. but I'm learning!

You focus on your flaws over hers? Absolutely I do. Honestly I think anyone who has been abused thinks it's their fault, if they could only do better, the person would change.

Trust me I see it. Was shooting therapy videos on set and actually lost my sh!t (crying) because some one was begging to get her abusive husband back. It was a total "OMG that's me moment).

How do I assess it vs what I want her to be? This board. My sister who has been through abusive relationships. My wonderful friends. They all keep me in check with what I perceive my w to be vs. who she is being.

As for the move to LA. Yes it was my decision. I had been unhappy at my corporate video job for awhile and wanted to see what the LA film business was like. She loved her job in Chicago and her friends. We were about to buy a place and start a family. I asked to put that all on hold so I could try my dream. She said yes. She supported me the best she could but we did struggle with it for the first 4 months when we moved here.

All the stuff we bought together before the move except for the car and a few small items... so I'm not sure where the entitlement comes from other than from what I stated above. I guess in MY MIND, that's what I have to believe otherwise.. my w is just a d-bag who is very selfish and doesn't care about my feelings. That may also be true, but it's something I'm not ready to grasp yet completely. It's easier for me to say I spent 8 yrs loving a "sick" woman or a loving "a woman who thinks she is worthless". It allows me to have compassion and forgiveness. If I'm honest it also stops me from looking like an idiot for putting up with it.

Thank you all for helping me through a hard day. I sent the letter and feel like I got some of my emotional courage back.

Much appreciated (( ))

[Valeska19]

Journaling -

I miss my w today. I miss talking to her and her laugh. I just want to call her and see how her day was.

I haven't felt this in a long time. I haven't really missed "real" things about my w in a couple months. I guess today is just one of those days that I am not happy about the fact that we are not on speaking terms. I'm not happy about the D or that she is treating me like crap. I can accept it.. but today.. I just don't like it.

Had to reach out to her again today about a parking ticket she has yet to pay. Was very tempted to do it through text.. but I realized I was hoping to start a conversation, so I sent it via email instead. No need to put myself in hurtful situation.

I'm going to GAL the sh!t out of my weekend. Had a great meeting today. Dressed to kill! Going line dancing tonight with a g/f who I haven't seen in forever. Saturday - Hike followed by breakfast and beach. Sunday - Watching a beach vball tournament.

I should be back to feeling normal by Monday.

[JustStunned]

Val, sorry for the day you're having. You've got the right attitude about it though.

GAL the sh!t out of the weekend. Take a break from the board or don't whatever works for you.

((( )))

Sometimes I miss Southern Cal.

[aeolianchaos]

I'm going to GAL the sh!t out of my weekend.

I love this.