Quote: How do you feel comfortable with someone who is capable of going off into alien-mode and stabbing a knife through your heart? Sure--things are much better now--because his attitude is different. How do I know he's not capable of doing another about-face and breaking promises again?
These are the kind of things that haunt me still. I know that it's mostly because I'm scared to death to really relax and feel some sense of security. Eventually I will get there, especially as his behavior stays consistant.
Tal, this brought me back to the summer of 2002 when CAW first came back after her A.
Quote: How could she turn so quickly? I remembered how she once told me when she first knew she I was the guy for her. We first met by working on the same shift at work. We were part of the same group that would go out for coffee at a Dunkin Donuts every night after work. After several months, one night I set up a telescope in the parking lot to show them the planets and such. She told me it was that night she decided I was the kind of man she would like to live with for the rest of her life.
Then it hit me ... the reoccurring statement through out this board - "Love is a decision." A decision based on what it is about us that they are attracted to and then they are fully committed to that decision.
What altered that commitment? The subtle shift in our behavior until we are no longer the person they were attracted to. Then they begin to doubt their decision to love us. The more we continue our unattractive behavior the more they waiver. Eventually, they change their decision. Unfortunately, for some of us that may mean an EA or PA.
What brings them back? Changes we make in our behavior as we consciously attempt to improve ourselves. This may reminds them of the old us they were attracted to or even better perhaps as the "New & Improved" us. Once they believe that changes are for real, then it is not such a large step for them to decide they can love us again and commit to it again. For my W it took a little longer than a week for her to process this on her own before she came to me to talk.
Mattie, the fact that you & H had a 48 hour OR talk, allowed you to help him sort this out in record time and allowed him to make that decision and commit to it. Mattie, that was such a unique blessing in disguise. Most people on this board would give anything to have an opportunity for such an OR talk.
Now how can we believe their commitment to this decision is for real and we can trust them? [Racheal, this is what you been asking for...] As long as we continue to act in the manner that is true to ourselves and attracted them to make the decision to love us again, then they will never have any reason to doubt the commitment they made to that decision.
Thereby breaking the previous cycle and IT WILL NOT BE REPEATED!
This is why DBing is for life!!!!!
The year 2003 shook my belief in that some throughout the year, but now here it is 2004 and I have become re-affirmed that is still the reason why CAW is still here.
