Do what I can but still have questions 3

[aeolianchaos]

I feel so selfish. I just have this feeling that he is MLC and/or depressed and I need to be his rock, ride this thing out, show him unconditional love, be there to support him no matter what he does to me. Even if he goes through w/D, I feel like I have to be kind, gracious, sincere, supportive

Kindness, graciousness, sincerity - these are all great things to do for your own karma. Know that in the long run you will be able to take pride in your actions and choices.

Supportiveness? I don't know if I would support things that are actions against my interests. I don't think Ghandi helped people hurt his followers.

I just hate him so much, but love him with all my heart

This is a very mature thing to recognize.

I am so afraid. This may turn me into a bitter, untrusting, jaded, unstable person who is incapable of love. I have seen it happen to stronger people than myself.

Only if you let yourself become that. You have a choice.

It could turn you into a more loving, more stable person who is capable of experiencing deeper connections than you can even think of right now. It could turn you into someone who knows more about the value of trust and compassion, and starts to appreciate people in a new way.

[InAPickle]

"I am so afraid. This may turn me into a bitter, untrusting, jaded, unstable person who is incapable of love. I have seen it happen to stronger people than myself."

On the other hand.

I've seen people feel this way just after a D.

And then a few years later they meet someone else and end up marrying them.

[soccerwife]

I was just forced to write on paper what my plan is: I won't agree to D, I wish H to go to MC/IC, I will stay in house with kids. I also offered that I will attempt to remain friendly regardless of H's decision and gave him pointers at keeping things amicable.

I have to deliver this paper to him in the near future. I don't know how long I should put it off, I wish it could be forever. However, he will get angry and feel I don't care about his feelings if I don't hold up my end of the deal. I promised I would give him a paper with my plans and he said he would try to remain patient, I guess that means I have to do it. I think I will wait until after I have my next MC session and maybe I talk to my DB coach again.

[soccerwife]

Chaos and Pickle, Thanks for the conversation.

Ya, I think I am feeling all of those negative feelings now because I am losing hope. I really thought my M was different, that we could get through anything, that I had the power alone to change my M. Now I am not so sure I am anything special or that my M was unique.

My mother-in-law was left w/ 2 very young kids and no money. She turned into a very negative person. She is strong, no doubt; she raised 2 successful boys, and is a very independent woman. But she is mean, uncaring, and cold. My H never was close with either of his parents because they taught him to be distant and unemotional. He never showed those traits to me, he even condemned them, until recently.

I realize that it is my choice to be better than that, thanks for the encouragement. I will try to not let H's selfish actions define me.

Chaos, about the support thing, you are completely right. I will be changing that wording to something else. I can't support his actions. I can be there to support him in his time of pain though. Huhm???

[Endeavour]

I was just forced to write on paper what my plan is: I won't agree to D, I wish H to go to MC/IC, I will stay in house with kids. I also offered that I will attempt to remain friendly regardless of H's decision and gave him pointers at keeping things amicable.

I have to deliver this paper to him in the near future. I don't know how long I should put it off, I wish it could be forever. However, he will get angry and feel I don't care about his feelings if I don't hold up my end of the deal. I promised I would give him a paper with my plans and he said he would try to remain patient, I guess that means I have to do it. I think I will wait until after I have my next MC session and maybe I talk to my DB coach again.

soccerwife, your feelings matter too and your H is not considering them right now. I understand he is in a lot of turmoil but so are you. You are not being selfish by loving your H, nor by wanting to keep your family together.

I've seen it written on this board many times. Something about lovingly saying to the S that wants the D, "I understand S that you want a D. I do not but I will not stand in your way if that is truly what you want. However, I will also not help you end this M." The exact wording is much more articulate but hopefully you get the gist.

My situation is slightly different than yours in that my H doesn't seem to know exactly what he wants which is also painful. However, I was able to lay down a similar boundary by saying that if my H truly believed that he did not like or respect me, and that he did not see us growing old together then I could understand why he did want our M, and that I would accept that and move on. I then explained that I wanted and needed a marriage that was based on trust, forgiveness and growth. I don't think it's selfish to state your needs as long as you are not giving your H an ultimatum.

[dbmod]

Hi soccer--

I think you are giving your H too many 'inputs'. Hang loose. Listen. Just listen. It's a common DBer 'mistake'. Sometimes doing nothing and just listening is key.

[soccerwife]

I agree, I am giving too many inputs. Laurie told me the same. I am a talker and a problem solver though and I love a challenge and I love to try new things so it is extremely hard for me to Keep it simple, stupid. I nearly made that mistake, luckily, I left my list at work. I will put it off as long as I can so that I have adequate time to think it through and I will simplify it, force him to do the thinking. I need to just listen and stop giving advice and input.

[soccerwife]

H is seriously conflicted. We ML last night as a result of his pursuit. I think he had been drinking again.

So I came home from work yesterday and I just hugged him and cried. He hugged me back and asked what was wrong. I said that I had a rough day and I needed a hug from a friend. he sounded very concerned (he hasn't seen me emotional for several weeks) and said that when I was ready to talk, he would be there.

So, then I took a nap and then took the kids to Granddad's for dinner and swimming. We got home around 11pm and kids went straight to bed. I sat up and watched a couple shows on the couch w/H. We engaged in some small talk and then I went to bed without saying anything.

Around 3am he comes in our bedroom and sits on the floor next to me and says that he can't sleep and he would like to talk. He asks me again why I was so upset when I got home from work and I said that I had been doing a lot of thinking about the list he asked me for and it was difficult. I reiterated that I just needed a hug and I am sorry if it made him uncomfortable. I said I wasn't ready to talk about the list yet, but I could talk about some of the things that I thought of that day and he was receptive.

So, while the kids were swimming, I had read the entire 5 Love Languages and made the realization that I am a physical touch lover (duh) and H is a words of affirmation and quality time lover. I also realized that I had probably not been speaking his dialect in either. Further, I had never asked him if he felt loved by me, I always assumed that telling him I loved him was enough.

So, without letting him know that I got this all from a book I just read, I asked him if he felt loved, what I should do to make him feel loved, what things he does that make me feel loved, and one thing lead to another. I totally worked at bringing us a tad closer.

I still have many questions for him based on the book but I figured I wouldn't overwhelm him with it all at once, and spreading it out will make it look less like I read it somewhere. I have no doubt it will work a second time, hopefully in the near future.

I regained a good bit of hope last night. He said that he still isn't sure If D is what he wants, he doesn't want to hurt me and the kids, etc. And, my love tank went from a big fat zero to a 2.5 because not only did he say he loves me but we ML and then cuddled all night in our bed for the first times since May. he was his old self last night.

[soccerwife]

Ok, just as I finished typing the last post, I experienced some backlash from last night's ML. H is VERY grumpy. And he probably feels mad at himself for waking up naked in our bed.

Even if he was too drunk to remember it this time, there is no way he can think that I seduced him because he hadn't had a single drink yet when he saw me go off to bed. And I seriously doubt that he was drunk enough to have forgotten anything about last night because I didn't realize he was drinking until I got close enough to smell him.

I know that backlash from realizing you have doubts about something that felt so sure is normal, so I won't take it personally. I will continue with the DBing, put off the list, and think of more ways to fill his love tank with my unconditional love.

The hopeful me is back!

[soccerwife]

I sent H on a golf outing with a trusted friend, who knows our sitch. Before he left, I tried to fill his love tank a little by telling him to show no mercery and kick A$$. He did our good bye ritual without a sour look.

Then something interesting...he mumbled under his breath that he will probably lose because he can't do anything right. WAH? That is something new. Is he having remorse at the thought of failing at marriage and relating that to having a bad golf day? I can't read minds and I really didn't want to ruin the positive things I said moments before by encouraging him to elaborate on what he meant.

When he gets home I will say some more nice things and be very inquisitive if he was the better man on the green today. Better yet, D5 and I baked an apple pie and we have a yummy dinner planned.

The only hurdle will be getting through tonight after the kids go to bed. I want to avoid D talk for sure. H is a teacher and started back to school last week, but tomorrow is the first day with students. If he starts in on D talk, I will do my best to listen but not provide input so that we can get to sleep. Hopefully I won't have to type more here today.