I was just forced to write on paper what my plan is: I won't agree to D, I wish H to go to MC/IC, I will stay in house with kids. I also offered that I will attempt to remain friendly regardless of H's decision and gave him pointers at keeping things amicable.
I have to deliver this paper to him in the near future. I don't know how long I should put it off, I wish it could be forever. However, he will get angry and feel I don't care about his feelings if I don't hold up my end of the deal. I promised I would give him a paper with my plans and he said he would try to remain patient, I guess that means I have to do it. I think I will wait until after I have my next MC session and maybe I talk to my DB coach again.
soccerwife, your feelings matter too and your H is not considering them right now. I understand he is in a lot of turmoil but so are you. You are not being selfish by loving your H, nor by wanting to keep your family together.
I've seen it written on this board many times. Something about lovingly saying to the S that wants the D, "I understand S that you want a D. I do not but I will not stand in your way if that is truly what you want. However, I will also not help you end this M." The exact wording is much more articulate but hopefully you get the gist.
My situation is slightly different than yours in that my H doesn't seem to know exactly what he wants which is also painful. However, I was able to lay down a similar boundary by saying that if my H truly believed that he did not like or respect me, and that he did not see us growing old together then I could understand why he did want our M, and that I would accept that and move on. I then explained that I wanted and needed a marriage that was based on trust, forgiveness and growth. I don't think it's selfish to state your needs as long as you are not giving your H an ultimatum.
