I know I'm lucky. I also know I deserve to have a R only if I am loved and respected.
I'm trying very hard not to go back into why, why, WHY? mode again. We always have had a basically good relationship. We have a lot in common, are very similar in fact. Most things have come easy to us: we get along well and have had minimal trouble creating and raising a double-blended family.
He thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. He says he never stopped loving me, although he "lost track of how much I meant to him". How in the SAM-HELL could he have cheated on me!!!!!
How do you feel comfortable with someone who is capable of going off into alien-mode and stabbing a knife through your heart? Sure--things are much better now--because his attitude is different. How do I know he's not capable of doing another about-face and breaking promises again?
These are the kind of things that haunt me still. I know that it's mostly because I'm scared to death to really relax and feel some sense of security. Eventually I will get there, especially as his behavior stays consistant.
I also struggle with getting impatient with myself. Why can't I just tell myself to close that chapter as he seems able to do? I go back and forth between beating myself up for still struggling and reminding myself to be patient...I really did experience a big emotional trauma and healing takes time.
