An Apology from my MLC ex-wife

[AntoniaB]

Here's my 2 cents and I say this as someone "behind you" in terms of timelines (it was 14 mo. since my XH began his affair and left, and 2 years since his MLC began).

What struck me about your post was your comment about putting your pain in this box way down below and protecting yourself so much it was instant. I have also done that by deliberately cutting my XH off and not allowing him any acccess to me for a long time now but through a friend. I don't regret this, as I think I needed it. But it has bothered me for the past month that I was also putting the feelings for him and the pain too away in a place where I was not learning how to handle it, which meant that the slightest upset to the way I had things controlled had the potential to really throw me for a loop. When you said "avoidance of pain doesn't make me HAPPY" that really struck me. That's exactly the place I reached this week.

Then, this stupid hurricane is coming, and I woke up today and very clear-headed, I initiated email contact with my XH to tell him I am concerned for his safety (details are on my thread). I have a mixed bag of emotions having done it, but the mixed bag comes from MY reaction to information out there, NOT from anything he did in interacting with me. I actually think it's important at this point for me to learn how to temper MY reactions to things. I do not regret contacting him for the brief time we spoke.

The reason I tell you all this is that I sense that you're in a similar place, where you're wondering if you want to unlock the door of this box of pain, wondering what the effects to you could be, and worrying a little about inviting pain into your life again (potentially) but also thinking that NOT opening it at all is a form of hiding from it, which also isn't good.

Now considering all that, what I think you should consider doing, is to respond with what you initially said, your minimum response. As for the other questions you thought of, the first one, what brought you to this, well I immediately thought "red flag." You may not want to know what brought her to it. She might not tell you.

What else could you say? If there is ANY part of you at all, even ONE IOTA that thinks you have it in you to explore reconciliation at some point, I think you could write something that leaves it all open.

You can simply thank her, say that it must have been hard to say that, and say that if she wants to talk to you in more depth, you would be willing to listen.

This lets you open the door but you're doing so with no promises, no pushing, no in-depth queries that might be too much yet, and if she says she wants to, then you may end up speaking about things more. If she doesn't do anything, I think you haven't put yourself out on a limb where you can face rejection.

Simply saying you're willing to LISTEN to her more is not setting yourself up to be rejected and hurt again. All it's saying is that you have made this long journey of self-improvement and you are willing to allow someone else who hurt you the space to apologize, etc.

Regardless of what ever happens from this point out, I do think that if she was sincere (and let's assume she was), that you are lucky to have had this gift of an acknoledgement that she made some bad choices. I've said many times that I really just want my XH to have remorse. Not because I want him to feel like dirt (though sometimes I do), but because I've read that feelings of "guilt" are self-serving, and one never recovers if one is motivated by guilt alone; but feelings of remorse are motivated by true knowledge that one hurt another, and THEIR path to recovery of their identity/self is only going to come if they feel remorse.

I feel like there is remorse in what she said. Just my 2 cents.