I went to IC yesterday, and therapist and I talked about...well, everything. Funny, sometimes I have to explain to my therapist the reasons why W is still having trouble with me. She sometimes acts surprised that W is still skittish about talking with me, even after I have been pretty well controlled (no "meltdowns" - out of control anger) for months. I had to explain to her that W was physically abused as a child, and has actually said that she doesn't feel safe when I am out of control. This probably means that I am trying to "live down" more than what I have done - she is healing from the violence of her childhood. Naturally it is going to take a long time for her to learn to trust me again, if I have tied in with those fears. I get that.
We also talked about my mood reactivity. That is really at the root of my temper flare-ups. W tells me she is angry, or sad, or upset, etc. I think it is her telling me I am doing things wrong. I get defensive. She persists (why shouldn't she - they are HER feelings), and I feel attacked. That it when I lose my cool.
My IC has been telling me for years now (I can't believe I have been seeing her that long) that I need to let W have her own feelings, to recognize that she is a separate person, that her feelings are not all about what I am or am not doing. Well, did you ever have one of those experiences where you hear something you have heard a thousand times, and for the first time it suddently clicks? Makes sense? And then, every other time you heard it makes sense, and things start to fall into place? Yeah, well, I had one of those moments. I knew it was true before, and I can't put into words the difference between then and now. All I know is that now I can picture the difference a little bit better.
It seems to me that there are two different ways of communicating. Sometimes people say something because they want the literal meaning of their words to be heard and heeded. Like a command, or instructions, or something. Sometimes, however, people say the words, but the real meaning of what they are saying lies in the feelings that their words are conveying. At times like that, the worst thing you could do is focus on the literal meaning of their words. Now, being able to figure out which times to listen to the literal words and which times to interpret the words as a product of the feelings (as in not getting all upset at what W says when she is angry or hurt) and focus on the feelings instead - well, for me, that is a challenge. Sometimes I feel like a need a neon sign over W's head that flashes the words "THOUGHTS," and, "FEELINGS," to learn how to interpret.
It helped me to think of the "feeling" communication as similar to dealing with a baby. When you are taking care of a baby, you don't look for them to tell you what they need. You try to read their feelings, and respond to that. I think that there are times when W needs me to respond to her feelings, rather than her words.
I guess these issues are really more Asperger issues than DBing issues. But addressing them will help me to DB better - to be the person that W fell in love with in the first place. To be myself.
W has often said that she feels as though I regard her as the enemy. Well, if I am constantly feeling defensive and reading attacks into her attempts to express her feelings to me, if I always feel threatened by her...no wonder.
Of course, while she is so guarded around me, I don't have much chance to practice (or trial-and-error) this new understanding. Gonna be tough to put it into practice.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?