sooo...today we had a breakthrough or a breakdown or whatever it was.
I went to wake Wolfie up for work & brought him a cup of coffee. He was drinking his coffee and looking at me with a big goofy grin. "What?" I ask. He says, "I'm still stunned by how beautiful you are".
That made me crumple up into a little ball, crying. Definately not the response he had anticipated .
I told him that I am having a hard time with the annaversary stuff. His birthday is Tuesday and I don't know which to do first: give him his present or biff him in the eye for last year! I told him that I try to stuff it all down, but that doesn't work very well--and then I get resentful--because why in the hell am I protecting his feelings by trying to deal with the pain and anger alone? I told him that trying to deal with it without his help just makes me feel more alientated and alone.
He looked kind of scared and said that was last year and what a different place we are in last year. He started listing all of the positive changes. I told him that I saw all of those things and more. I am very happy and grateful for where we are now and it's confusing as hell to be so happy, and yet still have such painful memories come up.
I really turned into a big baby then & told him that I loved him so much, but was scared because I wasn't sure I really knew him. If he was the man I always thought he was, how could he have been capable of betraying me so badly? I had given him my love because he had promised to take care and protect the most tender and vulnerable places in my heart.
He says that he will spend the rest of our lives doing just that and trying to repair the damage that he did by betraying me. He said it was very difficult and uncomfortable for him to talk about last year, but he can't stand to see how it affects me when I don't turn to him--try to go it alone and be strong about it. I told him I don't feel strong anymore...I feel vulnerable.
Geez...guess that will teach him for telling me I'm beautiful, huh?
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